Day 3: I have cut back on kratom getting hard to drink. I am also waiting on a new shipment. I made it to doctor today and got klonopin. It is helping me but the days are getting harder. The hard part...after this is done how will I maintain this. Day 4: sucks DAy 5. Worse Day 6 still no good..we all just want a fresh start. That not a part of our journey. The struggle is what makes it worth it. Day 7. I am better down to 15 mg and some benzos for when I am hurting and feeling anxiety. I thought about something. I read statistics that sociopaths love guns. Well my ex didnt start the obsession until the end. She sold me on wanting on. She bought two (one unregistered). I got one. I did t want to spend a lot so she paid the extra 200 bucks. About a month later all this shit went down. She wanted me to kill myself. She even said at the end through text when I am through with you your going to want to kill yourself. I surprised her on how strong I was. Called her on her shit and fucked her over in the end. Not something I am proud of and you cant beat one so she won in the end to her. To me I won. I got away and am getting clean. I am back to work and maintaining at 15 mg. I was at 120 when this started and 240 before that. It is just torture at this point. I am being strong. I want this more than anything. I want to be normal and am jealous of those that are. I am going to be contacting a therapist. I am still taking klonipin for anxiety, thomas recipe. It helps. Trazadone to sleep. I am here, alive, and god is with me. Life is good for now.

The twist..........addiction plus manipulation = a mess

So I have written about my journey with my sociopath we will call her. Now there is another layer to be disclosed. I hid this because I wasnt ready to get clean and I know what you  are all thinking well this is why she left her. I thought the same thing. My addiction was the reason she left even though she never warned me and also acted as if I was not doing anything wrong. This isn't true..how do I know? The girl she left me for had no ambition, no drivers license, no car, and she also was addicted to pain killers. 

Today is my second day cutting back. I guess I always was an addict. Since I was younger it was in me. I always wanted go get fucked up. I came from a great fAmily. What I Was running from I still don't know. I internalize everything and don't share feelings so maybe that plays a part.

When I met my ex I would pop pills now and then but one of her friends popped them a lot. She would get them for me in the beginning. She allowed me to pop pills and she would with me now and then. Her past she told me was she moved from up north for a girl and she worked for a bit until landing a good job. That girl cheated on her she ended up trapping her with the girl she was cheating with and then ended up having sex with the girl that her girlfriend cheated on her with. She then met another girl through work friends. And the girl had a kid so what I didn't put together was she also told me that there was a girl her friend that was down and out and she was allowing her to live with her for a while and also her kid until she got on her feet. Once I asked the question why haven't I seen your house yet. Quickly she said you will see it this Friday she said that the girl had found another place and she told her she needed to get out and she's moving out and I could come. I thought this was strange but hey maybe this is the story. And I found out the truth whenever the neighbor kid came over and said she missed Mary. i knew that was the name of her ex gf child. I asked did mary live her. She said yes and they quickly left. I can front of her her and of course she cried and said no it was her but we didn't we were together nothing happened we slept in different bedrooms and she is wouldn't leave I didn't want to tell you because I didn't think that you would want to be with me then. I'll add that she treated me like a princess she. She did everything and anything for me anything I needed to buy anything that she knew I wanted cheat by it was too good to be true.

Soon things change. Before I knew it we were talking as much she was staying later and later at work and it just it didn't I felt trapped. I knew I wasn't in the best situation but I did think that she loved me and I loved her we had many good memories together we went on many trips and I had a great time. Until that all changed. Within a week of her telling me that we were working out anymore I moved out another week the other victim moved in. Why is this relevant to my story whenever she started the devaluing stage I became very lonely I'm very naïve and I didn't pay attention really to what was going on because I was popping so many pills at this time I was trying to numb myself because there were something messing what was missing was the love that I didn't have from the person that I love The painkillers had the pain it was something for me to do because I was alone all the time she would never take off work hardly ever we used to go on so many vacations and all of a sudden she would never take off work was more important than me always. I'll add one more thing her new victim well she change your hours for the job and then she quit her job so it's like everything I wanted she gets to her and I know it's to hurt me. She was so cold and then when she kicked me out and move someone else and like I was garbage I had no self-worth I became popping more and more and more pills just taking whatever I could do maximum strength maximum out so that I could numb all pain.

Anyways. Day 2 And feeling shitty. Using the thomas recipe, xanex, and kratom. Still standing strong

Day 3: I have cut back on kratom getting hard to drink. I am also waiting on a new shipment. I made it to doctor today and got klonopin. It is helping me but the days are getting harder. Not that I miss the high..well I do but more I miss feeling normal. The hard part...after this is done how will I maintain this.

I want my life back, I want to learn from this as well. This was a huge reality check. Those that you love don't always want what is best for you. I will keep you posted!

When it finally clicks....

Projection: I think she projected feelings of nothing on me and I felt like her and I still do. Maybe i am the sociopath. I remember at the end I was crying and thinking omg I feel something. i am a human becAuse especially at the end I was questioning feeling emotionless. 

When she broke up with me we had to spend a sunday off together. I ended up getting extremely mad and sad at how calm and collected and almost cocky she was and began crying hysterically. She looked at me and said should Incall your family? She was so confused and scared and now I think it is becAuse she didn't understand why I felt those things.  She told me," I loved having you on my arm and showing you off." She told me , "you care more about losing this house and stuff than me" my response, " I needed love not stuff" that was followed by this evil glazed over blank stare. It was full of hate and evil. 

People that haven't experienced this just cant understand. They create this illusion, magic if you will, and they play with you because they can and feel good about it. Its a feeling that is indescribable. You literally feel like garbage being thrown out and not a second thought given. You aren't treated like a human and while you are dying inside not sleeping or eating they are thriving. What makes it worse is that they throw or brag about your replacement. Mine was moved in within two weeks. I got the phone calls together, pictured

Of them sent, marraige licensed emailed. The works! 

People in recovery or who have recovered rather have said that it clicks one day the person was disordered and it is starting to now.  You slowly start to put all of

Those pieces of the puzzle together and realize it wasn't you. I am still in the phase I go back and forth. I always ended with she was disordered. 

She repeated a pattern. While I was being discarded the replacement was idealized much like I was some tiMe ago.

She told me how she targeting me. I was living like a college bachelorette. She said it was as simple of buying food give me safeplace pay for me and take cTe of me. Basic needs. Which she also took away. She was surprised I survived. She said I just didn't expect that. You see sbe was disappointed I didn't kill myself. I really think she did. She saw something in me a light a future and she hated it. She was jealous of it. 

She would never ever take time off for me. I had to beg to take her on a vacation that I would flip the bill for. She really tried to make her seem so important that she couldn't take time off. I dont believe it was true. She just didn't want to. I thought oh she is just a workaholic and actually I had some respect for her for it but at the same time resented her and questioned why she wouldn't do this. I would say take a day off and lets go do something. No she wouldn't but if it came to her friends or family she still wouldn't but would be much more inclined to leave early. 

She treated me as a child and would belittle me. For example, I would clean the whole house and she would still nag that something wasn't done right and it was half assed. Looking back she told me I didn't do anything but I did. I didn't do enough at all but I didN't deserve what she did. When I really think about it she actually didn't do much cleaning. She did my laundry though and took away adult responsibilities. The strange part about this is. She was good to me and in the end when the mask fell off she said you'll never find someone that treats you better I thought to myself maybe she has a point and is right. Thats what confused me at the end. She was good to me. Well so I thought, I mean in hindsight I see for sure the subtle abuse. 

When she kicked me out she wanted me gone immediately. She got so mean and vicious because she thought I wouldn't leave. I had every plan of it but it took Me a minute to first wrap my head around this and second you want to find a decent place plus I live in a city with no family they are 2 hours away and thats a long commute to work. I pushed her buttons and told her I was going to buy a house. Not

Serious one bit but she flipped. She came home that night and gave me a paper well actually yelled , "are you sleeping". I said, "Not anymore." Then she served me a paper that stated you need to get out within 30 days of whatever day it was very official. It said I (my name) will vacate the premises as of date then the address and then I gave the date that I needed to vacate and she asked me to sign it.I was so Appalled by this that I ripped it up told her I would be out packed my things and left. She then proceeded to say will you don't need to get out now just soon. We were still being fairly civil at this point. I went to stay with a friend and I just had a weird feeling that something more was going on the reason that we were breaking up didn't make sense. She left for Chicago and came back a completely different person. She broke up with me after five years through text message. I just had a feeling that these reasonsthat she was giving me work reasons to break up with someone that you love. Now I do realize that people change and people fall out of love. People do not go from loving someone and being fine and making love to them to a couple days later completely appalled and kicking that person out.I just had a feeling that there was something different about the break up there were something off. The feelings that I had were a confusion, a fog, in a feeling that I just couldn't shake. I knew there was more to the story that she wasn't stating. She had me so foolfooled that I would've never imagined she would've cheated on me. I would've put money that she wouldn't cheat on me. So anyways back to the night that I left I stayed at a friends house I couldn't sleep I was so upset.i'll never forget this it was about 4 AM. I had her email password which she knew we had each other's passwords she hadn't change it she knew I could access it at any time. I logged in checked checked the messages and what I found was more than I bargained for.

I found the receipt to a sex toy in a note that was sent to your best friend whom I thought was her best friend. The note said I love you can't wait to see you this weekend. She knew I couldn't sleep any longer it was probably around six in the morning I left my friends house thank her for letting me stay headed to my house where I asked her about the cyber c*ck as it was called. She just smiled.................

50 Shades of Socio

So I read 50 Shades of Grey a couple of years ago, I loved it. I completely fell for the whole Ana can change Christian thing and in the book I guess she did. While I was loving this book and reading it non-stop I had my own sociopath laying next to me and didn't even know. I would even think in my head aww she spoiled me like that in the beginning just like Christian did Ana.

For my ex to "close" me as she would call it, she took me on a couple of trips and one being out of the country at a resort. She also bought me all kinds of expensive jewelry and clothes. So I went to watch the movies in theaters with my new gf last night and I totally saw him as a sociopath this time. As someone who targeted an innocent person and is wrecking havoc on her life. As someone who throws money around but is emotionally unavailable. I was kind of happy because I identified one though! I am getting better and I was not attracted to this. In the movie, Christian will not sleep in the same bed with Ana. I understand why and  I did relate to the whole no sleeping together thing. I think a sociopath knows that is a very intimate time and either avoids it or takes advantage of it.After my ex socio left me, I couldn't sleep. I walked around like a zombie for a few months. It affected me down to my soul and my core. At night is when is really when my brain would go nuts.

I guess I used to always see the best in people but now I see things completely different. Instead of focusing on the good I look to see first if they are bad.

My friend just disagreed with me and said that Christian is not a sociopath because he does care. Do we know if he cares or even how he feels? We do not know his intentions. What do you think? Let me know! I am curious to hear others opinions.

So my ex made me feel like this was all my fault in the end It is like she staged the most vicious
scheme to break up with me and wanted to hurt me the most. She knew that when she got with me I was hurting over an ex. That ex had left me for someone else and had crushed me. She came in like my hero. I even found some writings of mine when I first got with her and I was so excited and thought she was going to save me. Instead she turned out to hurt me worse and in the same way.

It is a pattern for me too you see. One that I am trying to break by educating and figuring out what is going on. I am naive and forgiving and I do not know why. I cannot stay mad at someone no matter what they do. I just think I should forgive them. Since I have came out of this relationship I have chosen to cut ties with a couple of people in my life and also checked a couple of friends on their negative or poor behavior. I am tolerating less and less and it feels damn good.

It is like everything that I wished she would do during the relationship she is doing with her new girlfriend and making sure I hear about it. She uses Facebook as a way to commuicate her life changes that will hurt me but I have her blocked now and the new wife blocked. Yep they are married and it happened quickly and the new girl was in fact cheating on her before they married and she didn't care. In front of me, she told her new lover, you are all I ever wanted and now I finally have you. During this it is almost like you are waiting for Ashton to jump out and yell PUNKED but at the same time you are like this is real......this is my life? It changed so fast that it took me days, months even to realize this really was my life.

See there were some signs but nothing out of the ordinary. Meaning...our relationship wasn't the best but it didn't seem it was on the verge of being over. So a week before she actually left we had a fight and I told her I was going to look for places and I did. She said oh stop you aren't going anywhere. She knew though that I was so I do not know what that was all about. My point is that she knew we were going to end and still acted like it was fine. Why? Shock factor. She knew if I did not know it was coming it would hit me harder.

Weaknesses... she knew them....well. She knew that she could replay out a scene that crushed me once with my first love. She played it out again so that I could relive it. This time much worse though...well played. She was good. I will give her that. She fooled me and I am smart cookie. I am more book smart and she knew that too.

Now this is going to get personal but I need to know. Do you think it is possible for someone to want to get their "victim" hooked on drugs of some sort so that their minds are weaker for manipulation? I asked this because my ex was telling me about her best friend at the time (also the girl she ended up leaving me for). She said her best friend would get her girlfriends hooked on painkillers (the best friend was too) so that she could control them. The point in this is, I am now addicted to painkillers. I NEVER blamed her and I still don't that is choice that I made but she did know about it and was there throughout it and for sure enabled it. Would she have wanted this to happen though? I mean she is a sociopath right? I am still addicted. In fact, after we broke up it got worse. That is how I dealt with the pain and I am left with that and I feel that is the last thing she has over me. The last control she has and I just cannot for the life of me kick this habit. I guess I know the answer to my question of is it possible for a human to be capable of this evil act but I am still in denial. It is SO hard for me to believe that a person can really be that evil and when I start to wonder if I am a sociopath because I am obsessed with this I have to stop and remember there is no way in hell I am. I cannot even grasp how people can really do these things. I just do not have the energy or care to take the time to manipulate and harm people in that way. I am in no way a model citizen OBVIOUSLY but man I would never wish harm on anybody else especially my loved ones!

I know I need help with the addiction ok, that is not what I want answered here. I want to hear stories of yours that I can relate to. All of these forums that I keep reading say that this is the best way because people that haven't been through this don't understand and that is what I am finding. They think it is easy, they do not know the real pain. I want to know if anybody else had developed an addiction while with a sociopath to cope. or deflect or whatever reason I did it. Is it some sort of a phenomenon or a one off? I know I need therapy so again I do not want lectured. I am a human being who is capable of love. Who grew up in a small town and is a bit naive. Who has grown up and moved on to a city and dealt with all kinds of people. I just want to know that there is somebody out there that can relate to this. Maybe that I am helping and who in return can help me. You see this world is only beautiful when we find love and give love. We have to be capable of love and find people that are as well. Sociopaths think they have the advantage but they miss out. Even the pain we go through at least it is real. At least we feel emotions and when we do find that love that we all dream of nobody can touch that or take it away and the sociopath will be forever jealous for it is something that they can never achieve their entire life.

It's what they do!

. My ex had me thinking I was doing things on my own and now aware that she was secretly persuading things or guiding them in that direction. 

“Another way in which psychopaths condition their partners to accept a toxic relationship is by gradually pushing the envelope of deviant requests. Since psychopaths are easily bored and need constant thrills, they may initially ask their targets to make out in public, under the pretense that they’re so attracted to them that they can’t keep his hands off of them. In reality, however, psychopaths are not as attracted to their partners, even at the beginning of the relationship, as to the thrill of crossing the boundaries of public decency and demeaning their partners. Recall from my previous post that psychopaths are extreme narcissists who derive most pleasure from the dominance and victimization of others.

As soon as the victim complies with one perverse request, it becomes normative. After a short while, the psychopath will demand more indecent behavior from her, once again pretending that it stems from their great and special passion. Pretty soon, the victim finds herself complicit with his abnormal behavior, sometimes even addicted to it.Not surprisingly, this technique is often used by pimps to create loyalty and submission in the women and girls they ensnare into prostitution. What begins under the guise of romantic love and passion–something that most women yearn for–ends up being what it always was in reality and in the psychopath’s evil design: a form of sexual slavery.”

I got that from http://www.abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-psychopath-conditions-his-victims.html

I have seen this personally, actually with my ex’s sociopath gf. This was her partner in crime and bf with benefits for 15 years. While I was with my gf and her bff was around with her gf I would witness this. I watched her go through 3 of them. I also watched as a new gf went to the bathroom when we were all out she made out with her old gf and hell now that I know the truth I am sure she made out with mine as well! She was so crazy with PDA that I couldn't understand it. I thought at first that it was the woman and that they were just very in love but no she is like that with everyone. Which is why it didn't hurt quite so bad when I saw this with my her and my ex girlfriend. I knew that it wasn't something special just another notch in the belt. I dangerously and I wouldn't advise this did say to her in the end I know you are a sociopath and she said I am. I think she thought I wouldn’t believe me but all I said was, yes I know. I said well you know (my ex her gf ) is too and she said well she has met her match then. So sometimes I imagine they are happy but in reality there is no way. They may be their version of happy and that is nothing I want to partake in. My ex used to look at me and say, "You are so miserable." She would say when we had sex that she was doing her "wifely duty" I do not know why I allowed this but I think it is because A.) I didn't really think that I was living with a sociopath. She was that good. B.) She didn't physically abuse me. C.) She was so subtle and good at lying! I would still not know if she was or not. I mean I believed that she loved me. Although I do remember especially at the end thinking there is no emotional connection between us. There is something "missing." I do not know how to explain it other than something was off and I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew it. I did know the whole time that she just wasn't as compassionate or good-natured as I was. I feel like she projected a lot of that onto me and I am still trying to get rid of it.I have mentioned before on my other posts that at the end when we broke up I was so hurt and crying but I felt like at least I am human and I can feel emotions.

What is weird is that my ex claims she didn't cheat on me until after a couple of years so it took her awhile to get bored of me I assume that means. I never caught her cheating and I trusted her. She was good to me for a LONG time. Well good in monetary and taking care of me ways. Good in I didn't know she was planning my demise kind of ways.When I talked to her new gf she said that (she was her best friend or so I thought) when she came to stay with us for the weekend sometimes they would mess around. Also whenever my ex would go home for Christmas and they would have sex. My thing is that is disgusting and who else did she mess around with or cheat on me with? I mean hell she could have had other girlfriends for all I know.

I do know she caught me off guard, she destroyed a lot of who I am, and I am still not on my feet after over a year. It was like some sort of phenomenon, she was so good at manipulating me and giving me just what I needed until she literally hooked me and knew she could do or say whatever it is she wanted. I knew something was off, although I could not explain it and still can’t and now I know what it is obviously just a little too late. I cannot for the life of me understand how she did this all so subtly I didn't know or maybe I was just not aware. This is the kind of stuff I wish I was taught and just like you are taught to not take candy from strangers I needed to know this.

We all have heard of the “sociopath test” right? It is not real and they say an old American psychologist used it. Well if not here it is:

“While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know.

She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there and then... A few days later, the girl killed her own sister.”

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

*Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. This is not real by any means but it does show how someone thinks. I received this via a forward through work email one day and came home to ask my gf this. She answered it spot on. Nobody else thought remotely close to this. I said you heard this before right? She said no why it’s a riddle and I got it I am smart. I said well it is a sociopath test. She got so defensive and changed the subject. Said she just out smarted it.

It is like I constantly research in my spare time. I think to myself how long I am going to read all of this stuff on the internet and constantly want to know more about his. It is like a thirst for knowledge I cannot quench. I want all of my questions answered and I want them answered now! I am not going to stop writing and reading and sharing the knowledge I have found through myself and others until I am fulfilled. I do not know but I know why but I know this is what I am supposed to do. I want to help someone who feels like I do. I want one person to feel a HUMAN cares even though I may not know you. We are brothers and sisters who have been wounded the same way and nobody understands. So we isolate ourselves and do not trust the world. I am there, so I know, but that being said anybody reading this know that there are more good than bad. My issue is I only see the good in people. I thought she cared but in the end she was sleeping and eating just fine as I was falling apart. She didn't care just out of her sight. I thought how can she sleep? She said I got over you years ago. Well then why in the F$#% didn’t you leave me then!

I’ll never forget the look in her eye when we first met, like she wanted to eat me for dinner and then the look when she was done with me. Two very different looks, two very different people and I didn't know either one of them and that my friend is a sociopath. 

Confirmations

She Wanted it to just be over,done like it never happened, and it kind of feels like it never did. I mean 5 years of my life were spent with her. If you are reading this you are searching for a confirmation and most people will tell you there is no answer but that is not true. You can find confirmation. Everything they do is calculated so there is a why or a reason to everything. I don’t know about you but scenarios will pop into my head and I will immediately flashback to that specific place my mind takes me to. I will think this is why, she was a sociopath. That is your answer, your confirmation. Why? Because they are disordered. We cannot begin to understand that. I wouldn’t waste my time on someone, only to manipulate and hurt them. It is a waste of time.

For example, she MADE me buy her a ring. A normal relationship one person waits and the other proposes and it happens naturally. That didn’t happen here. That is confirmation.

I cannot explain how hurt I am. I cannot explain what happened. What I do know is she is a sociopath and she messed me up. I cannot get over every little sign and thing she did that should have been a huge red flag. I cannot for the life of me realize why I stayed. The next stage….why did I stay? Is there something wrong with me or was it all her? What about me attracted her? If these posts help one person I am that much closer to happiness. I cannot thank all of the people who have written about this enough. It has helped me tremendously.

Description of the discard phase

Everyone's story is the same. You see they are all programmed identically.  I was watching a show I love and no longer could I like a character because he is a narcissist. I see them everywhere now. It is like I knew these terms but I didn't apply them to everyday life because I didn't think it was that common. Now I am aware. You cannot help but think and look at naïve people and be jealous. You wish that you could be like them again. Before you saw the dark side.

 

I also cannot help but think this did happen for a reason. I had great parents. I never understood nor felt a pain like this. I just now every story, every actions, every word that she told me I think was that a lie? Did this happen so I can understand pain and learn how to deal with it? All of these websites give generic definitions of a sociopath. I want to explain just what mine did....here is goes..

 

I was with Kayla for 5 years. Red flags were everywhere. Some were bigger than others. I ignored them. Like she would tell me about things that happened to her as a child and I assumed she turned out normal. Maybe she did downplay it a bit because her family and her tried to reconcile. So on with what happened for 5 years I wasn’t happy. I would say miserable. She would nag about everything. I would clean everything I could so she couldn’t complain about anything. She would still find something.

So there were a few things I didn’t do as well, such as put a bill in my name. I mean I provided her money but no I didn’t put a bill in my name. I  feel like now I was protecting myself. When she broke up with me that was a reason she gave and I thought ok. I understand that.

She texted me at work after she had went to her hometown in Chicago. She said we need to talk. I'm like what's up? She dumped me through texts after 5 years. I came home from work and we argued and finally I thought ok she is just over this and me and this is for the best.

I started to talk to friends and they were like those are not reasons to break up. I thought that too but to hear it from them solidified it. So next it gets good. I knew her email password and was just watching her email. I saw a receipt for a strap on dildo that she predelivered to her friend of 15 years who had stayed with us before and I thought they were JUST FRIENDS. I confronted her and she smiled. I LIVED with her. After that she said that her and this girl were together and she needed me out ASAP so this girl could move into HER house. After she said that I bounced. My friend told me to move in with her until I could get a place and that other girl was moved in within 2 weeks.

How could someone that I was with for 5 years turn out to be this way? All of a sudden she went to her hometown, cheated on me, and then came back and said that she couldn’t be with me for a number of reasons. These reasons were petty. She said I didn’t contribute. She said I didn’t help enough but then left me for someone who was on unemployment and had no license or car. She said she is in love with this person. She said she still has feelings for her and she is like a drug and cannot get enough. This girl beat her up. She abused her verbally and physically and she stays.

She kept trying to put the blame on me but what happened was she wanted to be with someone else. She snuck around behind my back. She said she went to a friend’s house but went to see this ho. I always knew something was between them. I could tell. I'm just so hurt and pissed . How could she DO THAT TO ME THE WAY SHE DID IT. SHE CHEATED LIED AND WANTED ME OUT ASAP!

This took a VERY twisted turn. So Kayla wouldn’t leave me alone and she kept contacting me and telling me that she wanted to be with me and for me to not sign my lease. This went on for 4 months. That she regretted things. I told her to stop. She wouldn’t so I forwarded all texts to Tamera. Tamera wanted to meet up and so I did and we realized she got us the SAME Tiffany’s bracelet and I found out Kayla had a girl living in the house before I moved in( still with her while dating me) and the girl had two kids) I found this out by the neighbor kids saying they missed the daughter. Kayla told me that was her roommate who wouldn’t leave. I then knew that her ex had a kid by that name so put two and two together. I should have left at that point. I found out Tamera and her had sex WHILE I was asleep in the house. Also when Kayla would go home for Christmas they would have sex. Well I found out all of this when we talked. We decided to open a bottle of champagne and got drunk. We then went out and had a blast. We ended up having sex. Yes Tamera and I. Then next day she “claimed to have felt something. She wanted to start something. I didn’t text her for 3 days but sure did think of her. I felt something too. Something intense…..she ended up texting hi and trying to hang. I hung out with her for 3 or 4 days. Just for a couple of hours. I have STRONG feelings for her but with the current situation there is nothing we can do PLUS. I don’t know if she is still getting back at Kayla because part of the texts I let Tamera see said that Kayla was in living hell and wanted me back. She wanted me home. She came over and we had sex. I told Tamera all of that. So now I question if Terra was trying to get back at Kayla still by hanging out with me. Tamera claims to not cheat. She completely was trying to FOOL me and TRICK me when I am in a vulnerable stage. I fell for it.  I fell for her bs. I also think that I have never done something so bogus to someone in my life. Two wrongs don’t make a right. It makes us both wrong and yes this would have never happened had things worked out differently. When I told her I cant play the mistress role she basically said well then this cant go on anymore. How could I ever trust her anyways.  It would be a complete waste and she would suck me dry. She yet another sociopath.

I have been talking to God and although he doesn’t talk back. I know he is there. I have never had so much faith in my life. I never knew or understood why people turn to God. Its’ because we are so far beyond control here on Earth that we NEED a higher power.  We are his children and he watches us. He works in mysterious ways and you never really know what the point was until you get through the bad but you have to keep hope that there WILL be something better out there.

We can be tired, weary and emotionally distraught, but after spending time alone with God, we find that He injects into our bodies energy, power and strength.-Charles Stanley

Things change and you have to learn to let go…….Things can change in the blink of an eye and although we don’t understand it we have to accept it for what it is. The only thing I can do is move on.

7/31/2013- I was told that it was over because I didn’t leave the bathroom door cracked and mold was beginning to grow on the ceiling. Little things like that.

8/2/2013-I was given a letter giving me 30 days to vacate her house

8/3/2013-I found an email of a receipt of a sex toy to her best friend stating she loved her and would see her that weekend.

Every day until I moved out which was on 8/16 I was harassed about leaving. I was told that she wanted me out So her new girlfriend could move into HER house. At the end of the relationship she was obsessed with guns. I started to take an interest in them. We took a class together and she helped me pay for my first gun. One of the texts I received told me that when she was through with me I would want to kill myself. This leads me to believe she really did want me to.

8/16/2013- I moved out of the house.

8/29/2013-The “best friend” moved into the house.

9/28/2013-She contacted me and wanted me to move back into “our house”. She didn’t want me to sign a lease to a new place.

11/7/2013-She wouldn’t leave me alone so I told the new girlfriend.

11/8/2013- The new girlfriend and I started an affair.

1/31/2014-My ex caught us hanging out and questioned me. I lied to her and I tried to end it with Tamara. I regret this more than anything (ever doing it) but I did do it. I was in a horrible state of mind and it was nothing more than revenge and I stooped to her level. I know this but we are all human.

2/8/14-I told Kayla about Tamera and I-She reacted odd. This is really when I started realizing she was a sociopath. She was mad but mad because she lost control, not mad because of what happened.

2/19- I receive an email with their marriage license.

3/9/2014-They were married.

They have made a few comments here and there but other than that I have heard nothing from them. It still drives me insane because all of those questions unanswered but I can say one thing. It truly is like their mask comes off. I looked into her eyes and saw nothing, saw someone I did not know. I just kept asking her, “Who are you?” That is all I could say. There was no remorse and no sympathy. Not one second did she break down and give me a hug or tell me she loved me. She said, “I used to loved you.” It was all of these bizarre behaviors that led me to researching and then to finding all this information. The best thing is to research and find answers that way.

Wrath Of A Psychopath

I keep reading articles about relationships with sociopaths. They are written by psychologists or people that are interested in the subject. The problem is that most of them are not written by people that have actually experienced the wrath of a sociopath. I can’t explain it but when you first meet them there I something off, different, and repulsing. I was the type of person that would befriend anybody. All you have to do is give a sociopath time and they will know you better than you know yourself. In doing this they are able to mirror what you want and manipulate you into believing you just fell in love with them.

I can almost remember the day when the switch (idealization stage) turned off. I rationalized this by saying well it was too good to be true (how nice she was and good to me) that I guess some of the things that she isn’t doing anymore aren’t necessary.

When she left me it hurt like no pain I had ever felt before. I just knew in my heart something was wrong, different. The pain I felt though felt good. You see I hadn’t felt anything for years and I didn’t know if I could. She projected that onto me. So once I felt the pain I knew I was in fact human and that I could love. I wondered if I could even love again. Our relationship was so unloving.

The hardest part to grasp is that the person you loved wasn’t real. Even harder that person you loved that wasn’t real seriously wanted to harm you. My sociopath told me that when she was through with me I would want to kill myself. She didn’t know how strong I was.

I have been through bad breakups so I knew that this one was different. I even told her I knew something was up. I thought it was borderline and she laughed at me. She said my grandmother has the same disease and they tried electroshock therapy on her. That was my clue right there.

The first time I met her parents I thought, “They aren’t that bad, they don’t seem like people that would beat her?” I will still never know if that is true or not. It sure didn’t appear to be so more like she is abusive so they are the ones that got hurt.

Denial, denial, denial, why does it take so long to really believe that this person is a sociopath? I went back and forth in my head so many times….yes she is one! Well but she did this or acted this way? No she is for a sociopath…but…she loves her new gf. What I have to remember is she acted that way with me too and I too was a replacement. I didn’t know but I was. Right after one person moves out…the next one move in.

To heal from this we have to first identify what happened. Next believe what happened, and then receive validation that our beliefs are true. Next steps…I do not know, I am not there yet. I do know that I tolerate less and less from people. I am paranoid, I do not want someone to ever pull the wool over my eyes. Right now I focus on why did I attract this person? How do I not do it again? Is there anything wrong with me for attracting these people? The law of attraction states we attract how we feel and think. Maybe sometimes we attract what we need in life to learn. Does everything happen for a reason or do we make our own destiny, or perhaps a bit of both.

The person you thought you knew...

The sociopath is so good at lying that even a year later you will question…was she/he a sociopath? The confirmation rests within. That voice that will not leave you alone about it, telling you to stay alert and look at anyone that acts like this and run! Listen to it…it is your intuition and it is never wrong.

See looking back is my problem. I keep looking back and reliving certain scenarios or things that were said and thinking how did I NOT know? I did…I just wasn’t aware that this creature existed and sure in the hell didn’t think that I would be in a relationship with one. See I was in denial but I was never at ease inside NOR happy and that was my hint. 

I can look back and see so many times I got certain vibes or realized things and I know now I was right every time. For example, I used to call her Psycho when I first met her. I did not like her. She sent flowers after our first date. She would text every single morning and say HI. She knew if she could get in that she could conquer. She even told me that she knew how to get me and she got me. She TOLD me that. So I know she thought that way and I thought wow she noticed things that most people don’t. I had been graduated from college a year and was living with my roommates still and she noticed we didn’t have food in the refrigerator so she stocked hers. She studied me and had identified something that I didn’t even know. I wanted to have an environment much like how I did when I was growing up. So she gave me just that. When she took it away that is why it hurt so much more. I had a comfort I did similar to the one I had growing up.

The way she treated waitresses and people was rude. I would tell her that. She would look at me with surprised? I am rude? The end of the relationship is what woke me up and made me want to see what it is that was really going on. Which led to my research and in turn led to me realizes what she was.

See when you end a relationship with a normal person there is closure. You may be sad but you can deal with it and know that person is hurting. When you know that person is fine and doesn’t feel a thing and WANTS to hurt you or punish you. That is NOT normal. That hurts like hell. It is a deep soul wrenching hurt. Deep deep down within your core.

You see you want that person to have been who you first met...who you fell in love with. The part you have to MAKE yourself realize is that the person was never that person you fell in love with. They were the one that kicked you out of your house and replaced you within a week. Like you were nothing...the same way we take out the trash and put a clean bag in....

Follow your Gut

Do you think you would be able to identify a sociopath? Studies show that people are actually attracted to them because they are charismatic. 1 in 25 people are sociopaths. That’s 4%....that is A LOT of people.

Not all of them kill….in fact most get their kicks off of things like manipulating their love interests or tricking them. They want to suck the life out of them because their own souls are empty. They enable you to do things that could harm you. If you are addicted you are much easier to manipulate.  She played on every weakness that I have.

She was patient, much like a tiger stalking its prey and waiting for the right moment. She knew if she continued to buy me things (this is my mother showed her love) that I would associate that to love and then I would fall in love…and I did. She never gave up. The relationship didn’t progress like a normal relationship.

I remember when she said it was “time” for us to have rings. The emotions were not there…she just played on them. She read me like a book; in fact she did believe she was superior to everyone. She would laugh about how she could read people and say that she has this power to do so. (This is what made her a good sales person). Even when I write this we are picturing this horrible, scary person. I even am but that isn’t how it goes. She was this nice, sweet, cute, caring person. I thought I have NEVER had someone care so much about me. Looking back at times I really needed her….she wasn’t there for me. She had me so brainwashed I didn’t care or question her. I have such a good family they help me but things are all how you interpret them and that is where the sociopath comes into play. I do not know who cares for me anymore or who doesn’t. I look at everyone with questions now and wonder anybody and everybody’s intentions with me. See in relationships we ALL manipulate and we lie a little and we pretend we are a little bit better than we really are but then people fall in love and in love with those flaws and the truth comes about but it wasn’t big lies or hurtful manipulation. It is the intentions that make someone bad. Their intentions I cannot tell you because I am not a sociopath. What I can tell you is that they want to see you fail and they prevail when you do. Once you do fail, they will not be there to pick up the pieces. They will already be gone to the next. You will be left alone to pick those pieces up and try to put them back together. The only difference now is you have been exposed to a darkness you will NEVER be able to rid of.

Who would waste time manipulating someone instead of finding real love? A sociopath because they cannot really love but they really mess up those of us that can.

She left me for someone else……….she knew prior to her I was hurt badly by my ex who left me for someone else. She left me for her best friend. I just feel like this was almost a script and it was my life that was scripted and I played a role that she wanted me to play.

She replaced me so quickly and I bet that person did the same chores etc. that I did. I replaced someone too. I am not  from the city I live in and neither is she. The person that she was with before me was from where I am from. What are the chances of that?

There was no substance there, when we went to Mexico we would do things but only so she could tell a story. She didn’t want to actually experience it. She did but she didn’t and that is why I am so confused. It is like she acted like she cared so much for so long, how could she not have? But kicking someone out and moving on to someone else like it is nothing isn’t normal and would take a certain type of person.

The bottom line here is follow your gut. You will always know but if you ignore it this could happen to you. I feel stupid because I wanted love and to be loved so bad, I allowed someone to get inside of me and destroy me.

If this has happened to you please share your recovery and how you did it. It has been over a year for me and I still am not back to myself.

 

Was she a Sociopath?

It is like I am obsessed with this. Finding out, was she a sociopath? Is she borderline? The end of the relationship changed the whole relationship. I was the most bizarre painful experience. She wanted to punish me!! I will NEVER know this unless one day she just calls and says yes, yes I am. I am from a small town and very VERY sheltered. I just thought everyone loved like I did. I didn’t realize that each person has a different definition of love. That was an AHA moment for sure. So now it is like do you love me? Well yes the way you love but who knows that could be for narcissists the same way they love their favorite pair of shoes. This is the difference. I have the ability to love deeply, I know because I have before. I put my life on hold in order to heal someone else. I don’t think she knows how lucky she was to have me because now I am in a similar situation and I have nobody like that. Nobody that cares the way I did. I always felt I love people more than they love me and now I know that feeling is because I did. I am not having a pity party. I am looking at myself and reflecting why is it that I attract all of these people. What I need to ask is WHY do I attract these people, HOW do I fix myself so that I stop, and WHAT is it about me that they like?

Why do I attract these people? I have a very easy going, laid back personality. The women in my family dominate the men and I am a woman who likes women. So did I kind of see myself as more of the man and allow them to dominate me and in turn I am allowing my relationships to do so?

How do I fix myself? What are ways in order to really connect with myself? If there are suggestions, I welcome them.

Lastly, what is it about ME that THEY (meaning cluster b personalities) like about me? Is it because I have a lot going for me, I am empathetic? I fall in love easily and am naïve? I am sure it is but then I look at it like this. So I change into a heartless bitch so I don’t attract these people? I want to attract someone LIKE ME that will NOT CHEAT. That can love me with every beat of their heart. I want a soul mate…….a partner.

I was with my ex for 5 years……about 6 months after we broke up and her new gf moved in…….she emailed me. The subject said IMPORTANT. There was only an attachment….it was their marriage application. They married a few weeks later. That is NOT the people I want to attract.

Cut to the girl I am dating now…..she pouts, doesn’t put me as a priority, and controls me. I KNOW this and see the red flags and am still with her. I have no self-esteem left. I have to get that back. I mean the girl you loved for over 5 years left you and in two weeks had you replaced. Bed wasn’t even cold yet….just out with the old and in with the new!

Now she did hoover and come back…or try to. I couldn’t help but held firm on the no. Although there was one slip up and we did have sex. It was the weirdest ever. My apt I moved into (after she kicked me out I lived with my bff) after leaving bff house was on the 2^nd floor. I sleep VERY deep. She took her shoe off and threw it at the window. I woke up finally and opened my window. She said it is me, let me in. I went down to open the door and she immediately started kissing me. She was clearly distressed. She continues to say, “Can I borrow a pair of pants mine are wet because I took off my shoe.” Then drops pants, no underwear on and we do it. She walks out saying I smell like sex and smiling as she goes home to her house where her new gf lives. So WEIRD. I was weak, confused. It was like coming out of a fog….like figuring out the mystery, finding the missing puzzle pieces. I found out the truth, what was off all along and it is still hard to accept.

As I sit and think a lot of the people that have attracted to me have had these issues….so I guess it is me? Anybody else have this going on at all? If this makes sense to you then I here are the next steps:

1.)    Write a reply and give your story.

2.)    Any advice is welcome as well.

3.)    Say strong, one love, we are all equal, be kind to one another.

 

Time

What they say is true. Time heals. As time passes I realize that there are other things out there for me and I become excited about it. My issue is still that I miss her. I always will. I will miss the person that I thought she was not the one she actually was.

Dazed and Confused today....

At first she did idolize me. She would buy me anything and everything. When Ed Hardy was popular she bought me a shirt. She also would give me money to go spend at the casino. She would bring food from wherever. She would bring me pills and weed. She brought me a pizza once when I was hungover and put it in the oven for me. She put a dress on and did a little dance routine. I told her one day to buy a strap on and she did and was there with it that night. She took me to Chicago and we stayed at the W and did all kinds of things. She would spend spend spend.

Then I noticed something weird. She didn’t ever invite me over. She had been over many times but she was so secretive about her house. I questioned it once and as soon as I did she told me that she lived with a friend whom she was trying to help out and her friends kid as well but it was time for her to leave she had been there long enough. So she told me I could come over on Friday and just like that the girl was moved out with the kid.

Later I found out that the girl was her girlfriend. I knew about her ex and that she had a kid but I didn’t know what she lived with her ex. The neighbor kid busted her out. She admitted yes I it was her and we lived together but we had broken up and she just wouldn’t leave.

Later when I talked to her new gf  I found out that the truth was, there were two kids. She was with her up until the time that she moved out and then I moved in. That is a pretty huge lie that got down played by her, of course.

She once told me that she gets to a certain point and cannot take it anymore and has to move on. She can only love someone for 2 years. I made the comment well I guess I must be different cause I made it longer. Well that wasn’t true.

Also she repeated history. This time she lined up this girl and I hit the road. She would talk to her on the phone in front of me and tell her that she loved her. She was even with her before I ever even moved out. Once I did move out within two weeks Terra moved in.

After that the grass wasn’t so green and she tried to come back. I did want it at one point but it didn’t happen. She married her and they will live happily ever after.

She would always say that I am such a liar and accuse me of cheating. Or question where a bruise came from implying I had sex with someone else. She would always say, “ Your so miserable” I make you so miserable why a are you with me. Truth is she was the one doing these things.

She told me that her grandmother had something wrong with her brain and that she had to have shock therapy and they think that was passed to her. After we broke up she said this. She said there is something wrong with me.  I told her she needed to get help and she said I know. She even said well what am I then? She is a sociopath or a narcissist a borderline feels too much love and my other friend told me she was borderline but was shocked by her behavior too. She said it was so calculated. So planned out. I guess I didn’t make the end any better. I snapped as well and went off but the weirdest thing was this.

At the end, you would think that after sharing 5 years together you would be at least more civil about things. At least show compassion to the person you are kicking out and hurting so badly. She didn’t. Instead she sent me pictures of them in my old house. Also kept saying horrible things like come have some drinks with me. After this happened, I went No contact and ignored. Then that’s when she contacted after a month and was nice and wanted me to move back in. She would straight up lie to my face about them leaving each other and make it something awful so I felt sorry for her. She would say I don’t deserve this. She was delusional and I had no idea how fucked up she truly was. She held it together so well with me. I thought she was so normal but she was really this other person and as the last few weeks of our relationship wound down the mask slowly started to slip. From drinking and acting crazy to being a nutbag. She went from hate to love to hate.

She also purchased us both the same bracelot from Tiffanys, now that is weird.

I think I am finally accepting that this is true. I am not wrong. These stories are all to similar.

I am an addict. She did say I was going to die and that’s why she left me. I don’t believe it. Not one bit. You know why? Because she is with one now. She married one. Another reason if she ever cared about me like really cared. She wouldn’t have never contacted me again. The truth is the reason she wanted me out is she was done with me. Like yesterdays news. She wanted me gone and out of her life asap and the only reason that she tried to come back is t was mean to her but she said she did fall in love with her. If they were so in love she wouldn’t have cheated on her with her ex gf of 5 years.

She would always say well I have abrother you don’t know whatits like. I hope you can find someone that wants to deal with being an only child.She told me I had histrionic disorder

 

She  used to get up early and make my lunches for work and do nice things. That stopped I even mentioned it. She said I noticed you didn’t have any food in your fridge etc she said I knew how to get you and I did.

Maybe what she said was true, She loved me at one time but she stopped because of the way I acted about moving into the new house. I do agree that s shitty of me. I tried to redeem myself but it was too late. She did say that she always loved Terra. I think it was Terra that didn’t she could love Kristin but when I got with her she got jealous and slowly the begin to rekindle their love. Terra wanted what I had and saw how good I had it. She said that the addiction was too much and she was sick of it. She wanted bills in my name and I wouldn’t and I always had one foot in the door and one out. It sure was easy for her to kick me out though. All those times though she cracked and told me about like only loving people for so long or the relationship pattern of kicking ppl out and moving them in and not saying a peep about the ex. The questions I want answered is does she love this new girl as much as she says OR is she a sociopath and doesn’t feel love or narcissist. I want to know the answer.

 

Should I just be happy for them. I mean they are both nut jobs better to be together then with others. I have such horrible luck when it comes to love. One tragic ending after the next. So sad today……..

Confusion that still hazes my mind..

If you have read my posts this is an update on how I am doing. I am currently dating a new girl...who pays for my fears that I have from my past. I feel horrible, I need therapy..to prideful. Anyways...this was on my mind.

 

What really gets to me is the confusion, did she really play with my head, enable me to become an addict to ruin me, or is that all make believe? Am I telling myself that to make myself feel better? This is a mind f$%^ obviously. I met her on the internet. From day one I did know something was off way off and I called her psycho. I did this because I went on like one date with her and then she sent me flowers and she came on very strong. It was like phases with her and that is why I know she was a sociopath.

She showered me with trips and gifts and all of these things like tiffany’s bracelots necklace charm, rings, trip to Mexico and to Chicago. Trips I will never forget. These things soon stopped though. She became bored of me. I could tell. Although she still made dinners and acted like a wife, I knew she was pulling away. I could feel it. The push/pull….she degraded me. Anything that my cats did was my fault, every little thing she nit picked and then all of a sudden she was done with me. She wanted me out of her house. Before I could get out she was already with a new girl. That’s where all my attention went. Within 2 weeks she was moved in. It breaks my heart she doesn’t think of me………how can someone fool you for so long? I was with her for 5 years and thought she was this loving person….boy was I wrong. I should have been sleeping with one eye open….What do you think? Sociopath? Narc?