Wrath Of A Psychopath

I keep reading articles about relationships with sociopaths. They are written by psychologists or people that are interested in the subject. The problem is that most of them are not written by people that have actually experienced the wrath of a sociopath. I can’t explain it but when you first meet them there I something off, different, and repulsing. I was the type of person that would befriend anybody. All you have to do is give a sociopath time and they will know you better than you know yourself. In doing this they are able to mirror what you want and manipulate you into believing you just fell in love with them.

I can almost remember the day when the switch (idealization stage) turned off. I rationalized this by saying well it was too good to be true (how nice she was and good to me) that I guess some of the things that she isn’t doing anymore aren’t necessary.

When she left me it hurt like no pain I had ever felt before. I just knew in my heart something was wrong, different. The pain I felt though felt good. You see I hadn’t felt anything for years and I didn’t know if I could. She projected that onto me. So once I felt the pain I knew I was in fact human and that I could love. I wondered if I could even love again. Our relationship was so unloving.

The hardest part to grasp is that the person you loved wasn’t real. Even harder that person you loved that wasn’t real seriously wanted to harm you. My sociopath told me that when she was through with me I would want to kill myself. She didn’t know how strong I was.

I have been through bad breakups so I knew that this one was different. I even told her I knew something was up. I thought it was borderline and she laughed at me. She said my grandmother has the same disease and they tried electroshock therapy on her. That was my clue right there.

The first time I met her parents I thought, “They aren’t that bad, they don’t seem like people that would beat her?” I will still never know if that is true or not. It sure didn’t appear to be so more like she is abusive so they are the ones that got hurt.

Denial, denial, denial, why does it take so long to really believe that this person is a sociopath? I went back and forth in my head so many times….yes she is one! Well but she did this or acted this way? No she is for a sociopath…but…she loves her new gf. What I have to remember is she acted that way with me too and I too was a replacement. I didn’t know but I was. Right after one person moves out…the next one move in.

To heal from this we have to first identify what happened. Next believe what happened, and then receive validation that our beliefs are true. Next steps…I do not know, I am not there yet. I do know that I tolerate less and less from people. I am paranoid, I do not want someone to ever pull the wool over my eyes. Right now I focus on why did I attract this person? How do I not do it again? Is there anything wrong with me for attracting these people? The law of attraction states we attract how we feel and think. Maybe sometimes we attract what we need in life to learn. Does everything happen for a reason or do we make our own destiny, or perhaps a bit of both.

The person you thought you knew...

The sociopath is so good at lying that even a year later you will question…was she/he a sociopath? The confirmation rests within. That voice that will not leave you alone about it, telling you to stay alert and look at anyone that acts like this and run! Listen to it…it is your intuition and it is never wrong.

See looking back is my problem. I keep looking back and reliving certain scenarios or things that were said and thinking how did I NOT know? I did…I just wasn’t aware that this creature existed and sure in the hell didn’t think that I would be in a relationship with one. See I was in denial but I was never at ease inside NOR happy and that was my hint. 

I can look back and see so many times I got certain vibes or realized things and I know now I was right every time. For example, I used to call her Psycho when I first met her. I did not like her. She sent flowers after our first date. She would text every single morning and say HI. She knew if she could get in that she could conquer. She even told me that she knew how to get me and she got me. She TOLD me that. So I know she thought that way and I thought wow she noticed things that most people don’t. I had been graduated from college a year and was living with my roommates still and she noticed we didn’t have food in the refrigerator so she stocked hers. She studied me and had identified something that I didn’t even know. I wanted to have an environment much like how I did when I was growing up. So she gave me just that. When she took it away that is why it hurt so much more. I had a comfort I did similar to the one I had growing up.

The way she treated waitresses and people was rude. I would tell her that. She would look at me with surprised? I am rude? The end of the relationship is what woke me up and made me want to see what it is that was really going on. Which led to my research and in turn led to me realizes what she was.

See when you end a relationship with a normal person there is closure. You may be sad but you can deal with it and know that person is hurting. When you know that person is fine and doesn’t feel a thing and WANTS to hurt you or punish you. That is NOT normal. That hurts like hell. It is a deep soul wrenching hurt. Deep deep down within your core.

You see you want that person to have been who you first met...who you fell in love with. The part you have to MAKE yourself realize is that the person was never that person you fell in love with. They were the one that kicked you out of your house and replaced you within a week. Like you were nothing...the same way we take out the trash and put a clean bag in....

Follow your Gut

Do you think you would be able to identify a sociopath? Studies show that people are actually attracted to them because they are charismatic. 1 in 25 people are sociopaths. That’s 4%....that is A LOT of people.

Not all of them kill….in fact most get their kicks off of things like manipulating their love interests or tricking them. They want to suck the life out of them because their own souls are empty. They enable you to do things that could harm you. If you are addicted you are much easier to manipulate.  She played on every weakness that I have.

She was patient, much like a tiger stalking its prey and waiting for the right moment. She knew if she continued to buy me things (this is my mother showed her love) that I would associate that to love and then I would fall in love…and I did. She never gave up. The relationship didn’t progress like a normal relationship.

I remember when she said it was “time” for us to have rings. The emotions were not there…she just played on them. She read me like a book; in fact she did believe she was superior to everyone. She would laugh about how she could read people and say that she has this power to do so. (This is what made her a good sales person). Even when I write this we are picturing this horrible, scary person. I even am but that isn’t how it goes. She was this nice, sweet, cute, caring person. I thought I have NEVER had someone care so much about me. Looking back at times I really needed her….she wasn’t there for me. She had me so brainwashed I didn’t care or question her. I have such a good family they help me but things are all how you interpret them and that is where the sociopath comes into play. I do not know who cares for me anymore or who doesn’t. I look at everyone with questions now and wonder anybody and everybody’s intentions with me. See in relationships we ALL manipulate and we lie a little and we pretend we are a little bit better than we really are but then people fall in love and in love with those flaws and the truth comes about but it wasn’t big lies or hurtful manipulation. It is the intentions that make someone bad. Their intentions I cannot tell you because I am not a sociopath. What I can tell you is that they want to see you fail and they prevail when you do. Once you do fail, they will not be there to pick up the pieces. They will already be gone to the next. You will be left alone to pick those pieces up and try to put them back together. The only difference now is you have been exposed to a darkness you will NEVER be able to rid of.

Who would waste time manipulating someone instead of finding real love? A sociopath because they cannot really love but they really mess up those of us that can.

She left me for someone else……….she knew prior to her I was hurt badly by my ex who left me for someone else. She left me for her best friend. I just feel like this was almost a script and it was my life that was scripted and I played a role that she wanted me to play.

She replaced me so quickly and I bet that person did the same chores etc. that I did. I replaced someone too. I am not  from the city I live in and neither is she. The person that she was with before me was from where I am from. What are the chances of that?

There was no substance there, when we went to Mexico we would do things but only so she could tell a story. She didn’t want to actually experience it. She did but she didn’t and that is why I am so confused. It is like she acted like she cared so much for so long, how could she not have? But kicking someone out and moving on to someone else like it is nothing isn’t normal and would take a certain type of person.

The bottom line here is follow your gut. You will always know but if you ignore it this could happen to you. I feel stupid because I wanted love and to be loved so bad, I allowed someone to get inside of me and destroy me.

If this has happened to you please share your recovery and how you did it. It has been over a year for me and I still am not back to myself.

 

Was she a Sociopath?

It is like I am obsessed with this. Finding out, was she a sociopath? Is she borderline? The end of the relationship changed the whole relationship. I was the most bizarre painful experience. She wanted to punish me!! I will NEVER know this unless one day she just calls and says yes, yes I am. I am from a small town and very VERY sheltered. I just thought everyone loved like I did. I didn’t realize that each person has a different definition of love. That was an AHA moment for sure. So now it is like do you love me? Well yes the way you love but who knows that could be for narcissists the same way they love their favorite pair of shoes. This is the difference. I have the ability to love deeply, I know because I have before. I put my life on hold in order to heal someone else. I don’t think she knows how lucky she was to have me because now I am in a similar situation and I have nobody like that. Nobody that cares the way I did. I always felt I love people more than they love me and now I know that feeling is because I did. I am not having a pity party. I am looking at myself and reflecting why is it that I attract all of these people. What I need to ask is WHY do I attract these people, HOW do I fix myself so that I stop, and WHAT is it about me that they like?

Why do I attract these people? I have a very easy going, laid back personality. The women in my family dominate the men and I am a woman who likes women. So did I kind of see myself as more of the man and allow them to dominate me and in turn I am allowing my relationships to do so?

How do I fix myself? What are ways in order to really connect with myself? If there are suggestions, I welcome them.

Lastly, what is it about ME that THEY (meaning cluster b personalities) like about me? Is it because I have a lot going for me, I am empathetic? I fall in love easily and am naïve? I am sure it is but then I look at it like this. So I change into a heartless bitch so I don’t attract these people? I want to attract someone LIKE ME that will NOT CHEAT. That can love me with every beat of their heart. I want a soul mate…….a partner.

I was with my ex for 5 years……about 6 months after we broke up and her new gf moved in…….she emailed me. The subject said IMPORTANT. There was only an attachment….it was their marriage application. They married a few weeks later. That is NOT the people I want to attract.

Cut to the girl I am dating now…..she pouts, doesn’t put me as a priority, and controls me. I KNOW this and see the red flags and am still with her. I have no self-esteem left. I have to get that back. I mean the girl you loved for over 5 years left you and in two weeks had you replaced. Bed wasn’t even cold yet….just out with the old and in with the new!

Now she did hoover and come back…or try to. I couldn’t help but held firm on the no. Although there was one slip up and we did have sex. It was the weirdest ever. My apt I moved into (after she kicked me out I lived with my bff) after leaving bff house was on the 2^nd floor. I sleep VERY deep. She took her shoe off and threw it at the window. I woke up finally and opened my window. She said it is me, let me in. I went down to open the door and she immediately started kissing me. She was clearly distressed. She continues to say, “Can I borrow a pair of pants mine are wet because I took off my shoe.” Then drops pants, no underwear on and we do it. She walks out saying I smell like sex and smiling as she goes home to her house where her new gf lives. So WEIRD. I was weak, confused. It was like coming out of a fog….like figuring out the mystery, finding the missing puzzle pieces. I found out the truth, what was off all along and it is still hard to accept.

As I sit and think a lot of the people that have attracted to me have had these issues….so I guess it is me? Anybody else have this going on at all? If this makes sense to you then I here are the next steps:

1.)    Write a reply and give your story.

2.)    Any advice is welcome as well.

3.)    Say strong, one love, we are all equal, be kind to one another.

 

Time

What they say is true. Time heals. As time passes I realize that there are other things out there for me and I become excited about it. My issue is still that I miss her. I always will. I will miss the person that I thought she was not the one she actually was.

Dazed and Confused today....

At first she did idolize me. She would buy me anything and everything. When Ed Hardy was popular she bought me a shirt. She also would give me money to go spend at the casino. She would bring food from wherever. She would bring me pills and weed. She brought me a pizza once when I was hungover and put it in the oven for me. She put a dress on and did a little dance routine. I told her one day to buy a strap on and she did and was there with it that night. She took me to Chicago and we stayed at the W and did all kinds of things. She would spend spend spend.

Then I noticed something weird. She didn’t ever invite me over. She had been over many times but she was so secretive about her house. I questioned it once and as soon as I did she told me that she lived with a friend whom she was trying to help out and her friends kid as well but it was time for her to leave she had been there long enough. So she told me I could come over on Friday and just like that the girl was moved out with the kid.

Later I found out that the girl was her girlfriend. I knew about her ex and that she had a kid but I didn’t know what she lived with her ex. The neighbor kid busted her out. She admitted yes I it was her and we lived together but we had broken up and she just wouldn’t leave.

Later when I talked to her new gf  I found out that the truth was, there were two kids. She was with her up until the time that she moved out and then I moved in. That is a pretty huge lie that got down played by her, of course.

She once told me that she gets to a certain point and cannot take it anymore and has to move on. She can only love someone for 2 years. I made the comment well I guess I must be different cause I made it longer. Well that wasn’t true.

Also she repeated history. This time she lined up this girl and I hit the road. She would talk to her on the phone in front of me and tell her that she loved her. She was even with her before I ever even moved out. Once I did move out within two weeks Terra moved in.

After that the grass wasn’t so green and she tried to come back. I did want it at one point but it didn’t happen. She married her and they will live happily ever after.

She would always say that I am such a liar and accuse me of cheating. Or question where a bruise came from implying I had sex with someone else. She would always say, “ Your so miserable” I make you so miserable why a are you with me. Truth is she was the one doing these things.

She told me that her grandmother had something wrong with her brain and that she had to have shock therapy and they think that was passed to her. After we broke up she said this. She said there is something wrong with me.  I told her she needed to get help and she said I know. She even said well what am I then? She is a sociopath or a narcissist a borderline feels too much love and my other friend told me she was borderline but was shocked by her behavior too. She said it was so calculated. So planned out. I guess I didn’t make the end any better. I snapped as well and went off but the weirdest thing was this.

At the end, you would think that after sharing 5 years together you would be at least more civil about things. At least show compassion to the person you are kicking out and hurting so badly. She didn’t. Instead she sent me pictures of them in my old house. Also kept saying horrible things like come have some drinks with me. After this happened, I went No contact and ignored. Then that’s when she contacted after a month and was nice and wanted me to move back in. She would straight up lie to my face about them leaving each other and make it something awful so I felt sorry for her. She would say I don’t deserve this. She was delusional and I had no idea how fucked up she truly was. She held it together so well with me. I thought she was so normal but she was really this other person and as the last few weeks of our relationship wound down the mask slowly started to slip. From drinking and acting crazy to being a nutbag. She went from hate to love to hate.

She also purchased us both the same bracelot from Tiffanys, now that is weird.

I think I am finally accepting that this is true. I am not wrong. These stories are all to similar.

I am an addict. She did say I was going to die and that’s why she left me. I don’t believe it. Not one bit. You know why? Because she is with one now. She married one. Another reason if she ever cared about me like really cared. She wouldn’t have never contacted me again. The truth is the reason she wanted me out is she was done with me. Like yesterdays news. She wanted me gone and out of her life asap and the only reason that she tried to come back is t was mean to her but she said she did fall in love with her. If they were so in love she wouldn’t have cheated on her with her ex gf of 5 years.

She would always say well I have abrother you don’t know whatits like. I hope you can find someone that wants to deal with being an only child.She told me I had histrionic disorder

 

She  used to get up early and make my lunches for work and do nice things. That stopped I even mentioned it. She said I noticed you didn’t have any food in your fridge etc she said I knew how to get you and I did.

Maybe what she said was true, She loved me at one time but she stopped because of the way I acted about moving into the new house. I do agree that s shitty of me. I tried to redeem myself but it was too late. She did say that she always loved Terra. I think it was Terra that didn’t she could love Kristin but when I got with her she got jealous and slowly the begin to rekindle their love. Terra wanted what I had and saw how good I had it. She said that the addiction was too much and she was sick of it. She wanted bills in my name and I wouldn’t and I always had one foot in the door and one out. It sure was easy for her to kick me out though. All those times though she cracked and told me about like only loving people for so long or the relationship pattern of kicking ppl out and moving them in and not saying a peep about the ex. The questions I want answered is does she love this new girl as much as she says OR is she a sociopath and doesn’t feel love or narcissist. I want to know the answer.

 

Should I just be happy for them. I mean they are both nut jobs better to be together then with others. I have such horrible luck when it comes to love. One tragic ending after the next. So sad today……..

Confusion that still hazes my mind..

If you have read my posts this is an update on how I am doing. I am currently dating a new girl...who pays for my fears that I have from my past. I feel horrible, I need therapy..to prideful. Anyways...this was on my mind.

 

What really gets to me is the confusion, did she really play with my head, enable me to become an addict to ruin me, or is that all make believe? Am I telling myself that to make myself feel better? This is a mind f$%^ obviously. I met her on the internet. From day one I did know something was off way off and I called her psycho. I did this because I went on like one date with her and then she sent me flowers and she came on very strong. It was like phases with her and that is why I know she was a sociopath.

She showered me with trips and gifts and all of these things like tiffany’s bracelots necklace charm, rings, trip to Mexico and to Chicago. Trips I will never forget. These things soon stopped though. She became bored of me. I could tell. Although she still made dinners and acted like a wife, I knew she was pulling away. I could feel it. The push/pull….she degraded me. Anything that my cats did was my fault, every little thing she nit picked and then all of a sudden she was done with me. She wanted me out of her house. Before I could get out she was already with a new girl. That’s where all my attention went. Within 2 weeks she was moved in. It breaks my heart she doesn’t think of me………how can someone fool you for so long? I was with her for 5 years and thought she was this loving person….boy was I wrong. I should have been sleeping with one eye open….What do you think? Sociopath? Narc?