A Path to Recovery

It doesn't bother me that they are together now or even that they are married. I'm over the whole being left for another person and kicked out because I landed on my feet and learned valuable life lessons. I am concerned with the fact that maybe it was me. Maybe it was my fault. As time passes she looks less and less like a monster.

Then I recall the end and remember the monster and that glazed over Charles Manson look in her eye as she gave me a piece of paper telling me that I must vacate the premises within 30 days. The person that I knew for 5 years was gone. Her true colors were exposed and there was no going back from there. I remember saying who are you? After 6 years...........who are you? I remember the pain and the reasons that I still have nightmares and fight demons in my sleep each night.

I remember that I was treated as garbage as no human being should be. Especially not one that claimed to love you and that wants to spend the rest of their life with me. The crazy thing is....at the end I knew things just weren't normal...the breakup. I didn't know what was off with her but from the beginning my instincts told me that something was off the whole time and the break up was no different.

I began to Google what happened and the cruel almost object like treatment I received in he end. What I found was narcissism, sociopaths, manipulation amongst other horrible things. I a no doc so I cannot diagnose but I know it was a disorder of some sort.

My point to this is that your subconscious knows when something is up. Listen to it. It will never ever let you down and lastly if seems off then it is.........RUN!!!!

Finding Yourself

The intent of these posts are to now show you the process of finding yourself. I am doing that right now. I first wondered....what is wrong with ME! To where I attract these people? I know I am not all to blame but you do have to look at yourself. I was always scared to REALLY get to know myself.

I finally realized the way to do that is to connect to your sub-conscious. I am still working on this, I have started using meditation to connect and I know I know I thought the same thing, that it doesn't work. I don't know about connecting to your sub-conscious but what it does do is train you to control your mind.

The Law of Attraction right? The positivity you put into the universe will be what you receive. These are things I NEVER thought about. This whole process is beautiful and I hope you join me.

Happy Hump Day to all! Lets have a positive day and get some great energy back!

My first love...

 

I remember it like it was yesterday, I was  15 years old a sophomore in high school. A few friends of mine including me had a crush on this guy named Bobbie. Bobbie was older and somewhat unattainable but somehow I managed to land a kiss. This didn’t go over with my best friend Mattie. So I played for the high school basketball team with Mattie and we always rode on the bus together especially for long trips. She wouldn’t sit by me the whole way to the game. She didn’t talk to me the whole game. Somehow I did manage to score my highest score that I ever had at 32 points. I think that night was the night the magic happened and the score was just a clue to what I had in store for me.

So on the way home from the game a Senior named Martha decided to sit with me since I was sitting there all alone. She said, “Congratulations Kellie! Good game!”.  “Thanks!”, I said uncomfortably. She continued to sit, “So where is Mattie?” Why isn’t she sitting with you?” said Martha. I explained, “Well I kissed a boy that she liked.” “Hmm what boy?” she replied. “Bobbie” I said unenthusiastically. Mattie laughed and said  “Everyone has a crush on him it seems.” She sat with me the whole way home and I felt super cool that a senior was sitting with me. I just knew that Mattie was going to be super mad now and I didn’t even care! When we got back to our school Martha gave me her number and said we would have to hang out some time. She told me to call her tonight though. I thought wow a senior wanted to hang out with me!

I got home and waited about  20 mins or so until I called Martha. ““Hey Martha, what’s up?” “Oh not to much getting ready to leave and go hang out with some people.” She replied. Now I was only 15 and not about to go to bed and she was just getting ready to go hang out with some friends? After the game? How cool! We talked for about 30 mins. She said she would hook me up with Bobbie and not to worry about that.

The next day at school Martha kept  saying what is up and writing me notes. Saying see ya at practice tonight. We continued to hang out with each other at practice, at games, and sometimes we would go play ball on the weekends or even go watch another team play. She could drive so she took me with her like her little road dog. This went on for a few months. We continued to talk about Bobbie and I saw Bobbie a few times but nothing really happened.

 Martha begin to stay at my house. I started to learn that her family life wasn’t the best. Her dad was an alcoholic. Although he wasn’t physically abusive he was verbally abusive and that can be just as bad. So she loved it at my house. I was an only child with a mom and dad that were still married.

Martha had a lot of older friends.  She could get alcohol and pot. I smoked occasionally and drank quite a bit. So she would stay over and we would go drink in my basement or go to one of her friends and smoke. One night I was sleeping on my couch and Martha on the chair. We hadn’t been doing any drugs or drinking but I awoke from my sleep with her on top of me licking my neck. I had crazy thoughts but said nothing and didn’t move her. I thought omg this is “gay”. What is she doing? Does she really like me? She did it for awhile and then would lay back down and in the morning it was as if nothing had happened. It started happening more and more often. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know if I liked it or not. But I knew she was my friend and I really liked having her around so I didn’t want to say anything to her. Our notes that we traded at school got more and more in depth with each day. We were becoming deep friends. We were learning everything about one and another. We were best friends. Me and Mattie rarely hung out anymore. On our notebook that we traded at school we had cut out pictures of our crushes but for some reason on the inside it said nothing about them. We would get excused from class just to meet and the bathroom to kiss. We still were not talking about this but the affections were continuing to grow.

One day at my house my parents were there. We were kissing and all of a sudden. “Knock knock.” On the door. Oh no! It was my dad and he just saw everything. “Oh hey dad.”  Kelsey what is going on in there?” He yelled. I acted like he didn’t see anything and me and Martha left. When we were in the car Martha said “ What is going on here?” I said, “I don’t know”.  She continued, “I do like you and I would want to be your girlfriend.” I replied, “Can we do that?”. She said, “Of course.”  “ I will think about it and let you know soon.” I said. She said “ok see ya tomorrow.”, as  I dropped her off. I went home and into my room  in the basement far away from civilization. Well as far as I could get and I thought if I do this it will change my entire life. I thought of what my grandma told me. Follow your heart and you will never go wrong. So I did. I told Martha I wanted to be with her but I was only going to give it a trial period of 2 weeks. She agreed. After the two weeks was up, I was in love.  I didn’t think it was right but if it wasn’t then why did it feel like it was?

I loved everything about her, I loved her hair, her laugh, her love. She was so sweet to me. I cant describe the feeling I had. It was like I was on top of the world floating. Nobody could touch me. She loved me too. I could tell. After my dad caught us kissing she wasn’t allowed to sleep over anymore and we really felt uncomfortable at my house anyways. So we decided to hang out at her house.

                Her step dad was an alcoholic so I was intimidated especially me being shy. So I would ask her to come to the door and wait for me. She would and then she would get me and we would go into her room for hours and hours. What did we do you ask? Well not to much at first. We were just hanging out and enjoying each other.  “Kellie, can I kiss you. It was def like crossing a barrier, a barrier that I knew would change my life. 

We dated for 4 years, 4 VERY crazy years! I gave her all of me. I didn’t hold anything back. She knew me like the back of her hand. Unfortunately I didn’t get the same in return. Have you ever loved someone so much but more than they love you? It is the worst feeling I think in the world.  I told her you now have my heart in your hand so please be gentle. I was young and very dumb. I didn’t know what these feelings were or how to control them. I lost my cool so many times that it was a blind rage.

Then there came my junior prom. I didn’t want to go cause I didn’t want to go with a boy when I have her but didn’t want to show with her cause what would people say. So I didn’t go. The next day I came outside and I had rose petals sprinkled all over my car with a note but it had rained so I couldn’t read it. I drive to her house and her car is home. I went on inside and music was playing. She said, ‘this is your prom….and we danced and made love. That was the best prom anyone could have asked for.

To start with she was emotionally abusive. She would talk down to me all the time so when I was down I was really down but when things were good they were really good. She was my drug and without her I hurt. I had to have her at all times. My eye lit up when I was with her. Well things were good for a couple of years until she began to go to college. She wanted to go out, I was too young to understand how that was and also not the most social person in the world. So I didn’t want her to go out, afraid that she would find someone else.  Well she found multiple something's. There was an Andre, a couple Niki and the main two that stand out were the Sherrys. There were two of them. The first one passed quickly and me and her broke up and got back together but the second one stuck.

I can recall she would tell me that they were friends and I had no idea that they were much more until I came home from college one night and there she was with her. I never saw her side though I guess I did leave her and go to college and while I expected her to just sit there and wait for me. I told her I would make things good though I just needed my degree and things will be good. Well one night I was home and we were laying down sleeping and I heard a knock at the window and it was Sherry. As she spoke to her I held on arm in the window and she had the other one. I said you know what if you want to go then go. I let go and she left. She left me in her house in her room and she got in the car and left.

This happened one other time but when she left this time I called the cops. See she would act like she didn’t want to go with me but really she did. I have never felt so deceived or betrayed. I couldn’t grasp that someone would treat me this way and continued to love her . You cant help who you fall in love with regardless of what you gay bashers say. Nobody would choose this life. Well when I called the cops I told them she was kidnapped so they had a road block set up to where she was going. When they pulled her over she said that she was fine. What a dope I was made to look like.

 

Her and her girlfriend ended up getting raided one night. It was the DEA and I guess they had been running a huge heroin ring from this little town to Chicago and they got raided. She later told me that night they raided it she was so scared and laying on the ground snorting up the heroin. She was in jail a few months but when she got released she called me. She wanted to see me. I thought to myself well she was only with that girl for the drugs and now I have my baby back!! Of course I went to see her. I was right there with her but when the girlfriend would call from jail she would still tell her she wanted to be with her and didn’t want me. In front of me she would do this. The night before Sherry got out of jail I was with Michelle at a friends house drinking. Her and I got into a fight and we were driving with a beer bottle in between my legs. She took her beer and slammed it on top of mine and the glass busted and blood was everywhere.  My hand was awful. She apologized and the cops even came and they said all you have to do is say the word and we will take her. I couldn’t do it.  So we stayed together that night and the next day she was gone and back with Sherry About another month passed and I happened to see Michelle at a nasty hotel by this time Sherry had went back to jail and Michelle was by herself. I pulled a  superman and ripped her out of the hotel and brought her to her home. At that point I wasn’t allowing the person that I love more than anything to go down shit tubes. I put my life on hold and I saved hers. She went to the hospital and was taken care of and we talked to her sister who lived in Florida and we shipped her there . That is where she remains and she is healthy and happy. I don’t really think she knows what I did for her or care. I cant make her see or make her realize how much of me I still cant get back because she has it.

So once she got to Florida she kind of turned her heroin addiction into an alcohol addiction. We continued to talk on the phone and be together. I flew her home for my graduation from college. We were so in love. I remember my heart would literally stop until I saw her again. It would still skip beats even when I was with her. She was my drug. I know people say that sometimes but I don’t know that everyone can truly understand that. She was something that I needed in my life or I couldn’t feel normal or whole. Anyone that has been addicted to anything can know that feeling. I was just addicted to her. We hung out for a week and back to Florida she went. So where did that leave me. Well I had a big decision to make.

One day I went gambling with my dad, uncle, and grandpa. I was debating even going to the boat but I was hitting all my pool balls in while I was playing so decided I was lucky. I went to the boat and won over 3000 bucks! I thought here is my chance. So I bought a plane ticket and went to Florida for 3 weeks. I spent time with her and we had a blast. I did find pictures in her phone from other girls she met in fl. She just got there and already girls in the phone. Our relationship was toxic. We would drink and party and have fun but at one point we got into a drunken fight by her sisters pool. She threw a drink at my face so I broke a glass on the ground by her foot. We would punch each other and were physically abusive. I didn’t know what to believe any more or who to believe, she had lied too many times and now I was at a place in my life of where do I go and what do I do. One night we had a heart to heart and I realized her drug addiction was worse than I thought. She used needles and did drugs all day everyday. This was also something that I thought at the time…I can do better than this. I was young and needed to be young and not take care of someone that was older than me. I needed to be taken care of now. I decided to leave and go back to my parents and think about moving there with her.

I was so sad to leave that last day. I didn’t want to go…wanted to miss my flight. Being separated from her was the worst feeling in the world. We arrived at the airport and I said good bye, I love you.. and continued towards the security check point. I thought she would be long gone and when I turned around she was still there staring at me. She looked like she was losing her best friend. And I felt the same way. I left and went back to IL. WE didn’t break up we still talked and the plan was she was going to come home and live me and my parents because I couldn’t leave them. I bought a plane ticket for her to come home. The day of the ticket I called her house because I hadn’t heard from her. She answered and she should have been on the plane. She said she didn’t want to come home and she liked it there. We broke up.

Devalue Stage

So after the lunches stopped being made and after the "fakeness" wore off just a little bit more and more bizarre things started to happen.

 

One night when we first were together I was living with her at the time and I was asleep. I had to work at 8 and she didn’t go in until around noon or so. She was up going through my phone. She went through my phone and found that I had talked to other people. I did NOTHING just talked. Before she could ever let me explain she just assumed the worst of me. The way she woke me up was the strange part. She through the blankets on and blasted the lights started yelling. Talk about being in a deep sleep and then that goes down. Your freaked out, scared, vulnerable. That happened a few other times. This was her scare tactic and it worked. I feared going to bed sometimes just wondering what she would find that she could wake me up and I knew from that first night that if I ever left her there was going to be hell to pay. I look back now and realize this is complete lack of trust, respect, and common courtesy. I also know now that this was her conditioning me.

 

There were two things that we fought about: her hours and the fact that I loved to travel. I didn't like that she worked 2nd shift and I knew how smart she was. I tried to push her to do better. She made better money than I did but it wasn't about that, I wanted to see her. I wanted to eat dinner together. Every time I brought this up I was putting her down. I would tell her how smart she is and all the potential I could see in her. I can see her point here but she would say "I bring in all the money, who pays the bills". It was just another way to put me down.

The other thing was traveling, which happens to be a passion of mine. She would tell me how dumb it was and a waste of money. I would have to agree to pay for everything to get her to go. She would eventually fork out some money and have a good time but there was always something about her. It was a passion of mine but it was dumb..... She told me that when I had a seizure, I scarred her for life.......like I wanted to do that.

I am a lesbian, btw, doesn't make any difference but when the story gets good it wouldn't make sense.

So she had this best friend that she told me they had messed around before.......but were never together and just friends. This is the same girl that she left me for. This is the same girl that she kicked me out of the house to have this girl move from Chicago and into her house. They were together before I ever left and that is when the mask fell off.......

It was the end of the July and my girlfriend went to visit her “family”. She came home that morning and said we need to talk. I said about what (through texts and I am at work). She said nothing we will talk later. Now after someone tells you that you have to know something is up. She finally broke up with me through text. I left to go home to work and she started blaming things like not leaving the shower door open when showering because it was “growing mold” So anyways I finally found out the truth. I found out through an email......an email of a receipt of a toy that was sent to Chicago to be delivered by Friday to that girl's house and that is also where my ex was going. What a great way to find out.

 

So she had this best friend that she told me they had messed around before.......but were never together and just friends. This is the same girl that she left me for. This is the same girl that she kicked me out of the house to have this girl move from Chicago and into her house. They were together before I ever left and that is when the mask fell off.......just wait....it gets better.

 

 

The beginning of life lesson.

When you think of manipulation you think that would Never happen to me, I mean how could and seriously why would someone even waste their time doing this? Well let me tell you, that they do!

I was with someone for over 5 years and I did not know who that person was until she ripped that mask off at the end. I will post a series of blogs depending on the interest in this blog.

This is obviously the first.....so here it goes....

The idealization period:

When I first met her, I didn't like her. Something was off. I couldn't put my figure on it but something was just plain off.  Everyone around me said she is just so good to you. So I kept dating her. She would bring me food and cater to my every need. Give me money and buy me gifts. She took me to an extravagant weekend to Chicago and it was like wow this so is so awesome she just likes me so much. I admit I loved the attention but she was creating an envision of herself that wasn't who she was. I didn't know that at the time.

There was one red flag I noticed at first, I hadn't been to her house. So when I mentioned this she said, " I have a friend staying with me and she has a daughter and I told her she needs to get out of the house soon but she can't find a place. She said that she will be out soon. I understood that but thought it was weird. I let it go and by that Friday I was in her house.

After our Chicago trip I decided I did really enjoy being around her and I started to let her in my very high guard that I put up. She would feed me chocolate covered strawberries in the bathtub and was just such a romantic which I am a sucker for.

I admit I fell in love quickly and after 8 months I fully moved in. (She moved all of my things in while I was at work on day, she wanted me in immediately). This was the start of the trap.

So once I moved in with her she would get up in the morning and make my lunch for me and see me off to work. She would prepare dinner for that night ( we worked different shifts). Just very sweet things.

That red flag I spoke about.........I knew her ex girlfriend had a daughter and I knew her ex-girlfriends name. I had a knock at the door. It was the neighbor kids, they told me they missed the little girl that lived there ( which I thought was her friends child). I asked for the child's name and sure enough it was her ex's child. So it wasn't her FRIEND that lived there. It was her GIRLDFRIEND and her child.

I called her at work and told her I would be out by the time she returned. She flew home from work that day She said it was true but they weren't together and that she just wouldn't leave. She said they hadn't been together since we had been dating. I knew I should leave right there but I didn't. This story gets better and better and there is so many twists and turns and manipulation tactics that I didn't even know this girl who I dated for 5 years.

She also had this best friend that I met and she would come and see her. I will get into all of that later. This was a very painful story but there are a ton of laughs throughout and I am still smiling at the end. See some people want to break you, and when they cant you win. I cannot wait to the rest of it but lets see if anyone is interested in hearing it!