50 Shades of Socio

So I read 50 Shades of Grey a couple of years ago, I loved it. I completely fell for the whole Ana can change Christian thing and in the book I guess she did. While I was loving this book and reading it non-stop I had my own sociopath laying next to me and didn't even know. I would even think in my head aww she spoiled me like that in the beginning just like Christian did Ana.

For my ex to "close" me as she would call it, she took me on a couple of trips and one being out of the country at a resort. She also bought me all kinds of expensive jewelry and clothes. So I went to watch the movies in theaters with my new gf last night and I totally saw him as a sociopath this time. As someone who targeted an innocent person and is wrecking havoc on her life. As someone who throws money around but is emotionally unavailable. I was kind of happy because I identified one though! I am getting better and I was not attracted to this. In the movie, Christian will not sleep in the same bed with Ana. I understand why and  I did relate to the whole no sleeping together thing. I think a sociopath knows that is a very intimate time and either avoids it or takes advantage of it.After my ex socio left me, I couldn't sleep. I walked around like a zombie for a few months. It affected me down to my soul and my core. At night is when is really when my brain would go nuts.

I guess I used to always see the best in people but now I see things completely different. Instead of focusing on the good I look to see first if they are bad.

My friend just disagreed with me and said that Christian is not a sociopath because he does care. Do we know if he cares or even how he feels? We do not know his intentions. What do you think? Let me know! I am curious to hear others opinions.

So my ex made me feel like this was all my fault in the end It is like she staged the most vicious
scheme to break up with me and wanted to hurt me the most. She knew that when she got with me I was hurting over an ex. That ex had left me for someone else and had crushed me. She came in like my hero. I even found some writings of mine when I first got with her and I was so excited and thought she was going to save me. Instead she turned out to hurt me worse and in the same way.

It is a pattern for me too you see. One that I am trying to break by educating and figuring out what is going on. I am naive and forgiving and I do not know why. I cannot stay mad at someone no matter what they do. I just think I should forgive them. Since I have came out of this relationship I have chosen to cut ties with a couple of people in my life and also checked a couple of friends on their negative or poor behavior. I am tolerating less and less and it feels damn good.

It is like everything that I wished she would do during the relationship she is doing with her new girlfriend and making sure I hear about it. She uses Facebook as a way to commuicate her life changes that will hurt me but I have her blocked now and the new wife blocked. Yep they are married and it happened quickly and the new girl was in fact cheating on her before they married and she didn't care. In front of me, she told her new lover, you are all I ever wanted and now I finally have you. During this it is almost like you are waiting for Ashton to jump out and yell PUNKED but at the same time you are like this is real......this is my life? It changed so fast that it took me days, months even to realize this really was my life.

See there were some signs but nothing out of the ordinary. Meaning...our relationship wasn't the best but it didn't seem it was on the verge of being over. So a week before she actually left we had a fight and I told her I was going to look for places and I did. She said oh stop you aren't going anywhere. She knew though that I was so I do not know what that was all about. My point is that she knew we were going to end and still acted like it was fine. Why? Shock factor. She knew if I did not know it was coming it would hit me harder.

Weaknesses... she knew them....well. She knew that she could replay out a scene that crushed me once with my first love. She played it out again so that I could relive it. This time much worse though...well played. She was good. I will give her that. She fooled me and I am smart cookie. I am more book smart and she knew that too.

Now this is going to get personal but I need to know. Do you think it is possible for someone to want to get their "victim" hooked on drugs of some sort so that their minds are weaker for manipulation? I asked this because my ex was telling me about her best friend at the time (also the girl she ended up leaving me for). She said her best friend would get her girlfriends hooked on painkillers (the best friend was too) so that she could control them. The point in this is, I am now addicted to painkillers. I NEVER blamed her and I still don't that is choice that I made but she did know about it and was there throughout it and for sure enabled it. Would she have wanted this to happen though? I mean she is a sociopath right? I am still addicted. In fact, after we broke up it got worse. That is how I dealt with the pain and I am left with that and I feel that is the last thing she has over me. The last control she has and I just cannot for the life of me kick this habit. I guess I know the answer to my question of is it possible for a human to be capable of this evil act but I am still in denial. It is SO hard for me to believe that a person can really be that evil and when I start to wonder if I am a sociopath because I am obsessed with this I have to stop and remember there is no way in hell I am. I cannot even grasp how people can really do these things. I just do not have the energy or care to take the time to manipulate and harm people in that way. I am in no way a model citizen OBVIOUSLY but man I would never wish harm on anybody else especially my loved ones!

I know I need help with the addiction ok, that is not what I want answered here. I want to hear stories of yours that I can relate to. All of these forums that I keep reading say that this is the best way because people that haven't been through this don't understand and that is what I am finding. They think it is easy, they do not know the real pain. I want to know if anybody else had developed an addiction while with a sociopath to cope. or deflect or whatever reason I did it. Is it some sort of a phenomenon or a one off? I know I need therapy so again I do not want lectured. I am a human being who is capable of love. Who grew up in a small town and is a bit naive. Who has grown up and moved on to a city and dealt with all kinds of people. I just want to know that there is somebody out there that can relate to this. Maybe that I am helping and who in return can help me. You see this world is only beautiful when we find love and give love. We have to be capable of love and find people that are as well. Sociopaths think they have the advantage but they miss out. Even the pain we go through at least it is real. At least we feel emotions and when we do find that love that we all dream of nobody can touch that or take it away and the sociopath will be forever jealous for it is something that they can never achieve their entire life.