So here I am.....I don't trust anybody..........I have no faith......how am I going to get where I want to be?
I want to have kids, I want to find my life partner. How can this happen? I am a mess.
Why is it so hard to find someone that will love me the way I love them or do I just love too deeply. Its so philosophical but when you think about love in that way its hard to determine who as really loved you and what love is. It is different to each person by definition.
I want to be my old self. I want no addictions. More than anything I just want someone to care and to treat me how they want to be treated.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Forgivness
I kept hearing that you have to truly forgive the person that hurt you in order to move on. I just kept thinking over and over, how can I forgive someone that burned me and hurt me so badly.
The more time that goes by the easier it is, as we all know but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. I thought this person was my partner. I thought she was my best friend. I 100% trusted her and relied and depended on her. She didn't just let me down, she made sure I hurt. I even told her that I feel like I am being punished. She responds I am punishing you. Why though?
This is why I go back to the sociopath theory. In the beginning it was over the top appraisal and love and gifts and slowly that got cut off. If you meet someone else and fall in love I can understand that. It is not what you do, its how you do it. She didn't do it the right way. If you love someone and after living with someone and being with someone for over 5 years you should have some sort of an attachment, then you don't treat them disrespectful. Give a person time to find a place. Understand they are hurting right? You would be gentle not just continue to twist the knife in deeper and deeper.
I was told, I want you out of MY house so MY girlfriend can move in. They were together before I moved out and within 2 weeks the other girl had moved in. I was told, When I am through with you, I hope you don't hang yourself. I was told that I was upgraded. We are 30 years old....why does it have to be so mean and painful.
It just sucks having so much faith in someone only to find that person didn't exist. I miss the person I thought she was. EVERY day. I miss her so much. She took care of me. How can someone put on an act like that for 5 years. She cheated on me over Christmas and while I was sleeping. I trusted her.
So how can I forgive her? I am asking because I need to. I hope someone has an answer.
The more time that goes by the easier it is, as we all know but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. I thought this person was my partner. I thought she was my best friend. I 100% trusted her and relied and depended on her. She didn't just let me down, she made sure I hurt. I even told her that I feel like I am being punished. She responds I am punishing you. Why though?
This is why I go back to the sociopath theory. In the beginning it was over the top appraisal and love and gifts and slowly that got cut off. If you meet someone else and fall in love I can understand that. It is not what you do, its how you do it. She didn't do it the right way. If you love someone and after living with someone and being with someone for over 5 years you should have some sort of an attachment, then you don't treat them disrespectful. Give a person time to find a place. Understand they are hurting right? You would be gentle not just continue to twist the knife in deeper and deeper.
I was told, I want you out of MY house so MY girlfriend can move in. They were together before I moved out and within 2 weeks the other girl had moved in. I was told, When I am through with you, I hope you don't hang yourself. I was told that I was upgraded. We are 30 years old....why does it have to be so mean and painful.
It just sucks having so much faith in someone only to find that person didn't exist. I miss the person I thought she was. EVERY day. I miss her so much. She took care of me. How can someone put on an act like that for 5 years. She cheated on me over Christmas and while I was sleeping. I trusted her.
So how can I forgive her? I am asking because I need to. I hope someone has an answer.
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