Day 3: I have cut back on kratom getting hard to drink. I am also waiting on a new shipment. I made it to doctor today and got klonopin. It is helping me but the days are getting harder. The hard part...after this is done how will I maintain this. Day 4: sucks DAy 5. Worse Day 6 still no good..we all just want a fresh start. That not a part of our journey. The struggle is what makes it worth it. Day 7. I am better down to 15 mg and some benzos for when I am hurting and feeling anxiety. I thought about something. I read statistics that sociopaths love guns. Well my ex didnt start the obsession until the end. She sold me on wanting on. She bought two (one unregistered). I got one. I did t want to spend a lot so she paid the extra 200 bucks. About a month later all this shit went down. She wanted me to kill myself. She even said at the end through text when I am through with you your going to want to kill yourself. I surprised her on how strong I was. Called her on her shit and fucked her over in the end. Not something I am proud of and you cant beat one so she won in the end to her. To me I won. I got away and am getting clean. I am back to work and maintaining at 15 mg. I was at 120 when this started and 240 before that. It is just torture at this point. I am being strong. I want this more than anything. I want to be normal and am jealous of those that are. I am going to be contacting a therapist. I am still taking klonipin for anxiety, thomas recipe. It helps. Trazadone to sleep. I am here, alive, and god is with me. Life is good for now.

The twist..........addiction plus manipulation = a mess

So I have written about my journey with my sociopath we will call her. Now there is another layer to be disclosed. I hid this because I wasnt ready to get clean and I know what you  are all thinking well this is why she left her. I thought the same thing. My addiction was the reason she left even though she never warned me and also acted as if I was not doing anything wrong. This isn't true..how do I know? The girl she left me for had no ambition, no drivers license, no car, and she also was addicted to pain killers. 

Today is my second day cutting back. I guess I always was an addict. Since I was younger it was in me. I always wanted go get fucked up. I came from a great fAmily. What I Was running from I still don't know. I internalize everything and don't share feelings so maybe that plays a part.

When I met my ex I would pop pills now and then but one of her friends popped them a lot. She would get them for me in the beginning. She allowed me to pop pills and she would with me now and then. Her past she told me was she moved from up north for a girl and she worked for a bit until landing a good job. That girl cheated on her she ended up trapping her with the girl she was cheating with and then ended up having sex with the girl that her girlfriend cheated on her with. She then met another girl through work friends. And the girl had a kid so what I didn't put together was she also told me that there was a girl her friend that was down and out and she was allowing her to live with her for a while and also her kid until she got on her feet. Once I asked the question why haven't I seen your house yet. Quickly she said you will see it this Friday she said that the girl had found another place and she told her she needed to get out and she's moving out and I could come. I thought this was strange but hey maybe this is the story. And I found out the truth whenever the neighbor kid came over and said she missed Mary. i knew that was the name of her ex gf child. I asked did mary live her. She said yes and they quickly left. I can front of her her and of course she cried and said no it was her but we didn't we were together nothing happened we slept in different bedrooms and she is wouldn't leave I didn't want to tell you because I didn't think that you would want to be with me then. I'll add that she treated me like a princess she. She did everything and anything for me anything I needed to buy anything that she knew I wanted cheat by it was too good to be true.

Soon things change. Before I knew it we were talking as much she was staying later and later at work and it just it didn't I felt trapped. I knew I wasn't in the best situation but I did think that she loved me and I loved her we had many good memories together we went on many trips and I had a great time. Until that all changed. Within a week of her telling me that we were working out anymore I moved out another week the other victim moved in. Why is this relevant to my story whenever she started the devaluing stage I became very lonely I'm very naïve and I didn't pay attention really to what was going on because I was popping so many pills at this time I was trying to numb myself because there were something messing what was missing was the love that I didn't have from the person that I love The painkillers had the pain it was something for me to do because I was alone all the time she would never take off work hardly ever we used to go on so many vacations and all of a sudden she would never take off work was more important than me always. I'll add one more thing her new victim well she change your hours for the job and then she quit her job so it's like everything I wanted she gets to her and I know it's to hurt me. She was so cold and then when she kicked me out and move someone else and like I was garbage I had no self-worth I became popping more and more and more pills just taking whatever I could do maximum strength maximum out so that I could numb all pain.

Anyways. Day 2 And feeling shitty. Using the thomas recipe, xanex, and kratom. Still standing strong

Day 3: I have cut back on kratom getting hard to drink. I am also waiting on a new shipment. I made it to doctor today and got klonopin. It is helping me but the days are getting harder. Not that I miss the high..well I do but more I miss feeling normal. The hard part...after this is done how will I maintain this.

I want my life back, I want to learn from this as well. This was a huge reality check. Those that you love don't always want what is best for you. I will keep you posted!