50 Shades of Socio

So I read 50 Shades of Grey a couple of years ago, I loved it. I completely fell for the whole Ana can change Christian thing and in the book I guess she did. While I was loving this book and reading it non-stop I had my own sociopath laying next to me and didn't even know. I would even think in my head aww she spoiled me like that in the beginning just like Christian did Ana.

For my ex to "close" me as she would call it, she took me on a couple of trips and one being out of the country at a resort. She also bought me all kinds of expensive jewelry and clothes. So I went to watch the movies in theaters with my new gf last night and I totally saw him as a sociopath this time. As someone who targeted an innocent person and is wrecking havoc on her life. As someone who throws money around but is emotionally unavailable. I was kind of happy because I identified one though! I am getting better and I was not attracted to this. In the movie, Christian will not sleep in the same bed with Ana. I understand why and  I did relate to the whole no sleeping together thing. I think a sociopath knows that is a very intimate time and either avoids it or takes advantage of it.After my ex socio left me, I couldn't sleep. I walked around like a zombie for a few months. It affected me down to my soul and my core. At night is when is really when my brain would go nuts.

I guess I used to always see the best in people but now I see things completely different. Instead of focusing on the good I look to see first if they are bad.

My friend just disagreed with me and said that Christian is not a sociopath because he does care. Do we know if he cares or even how he feels? We do not know his intentions. What do you think? Let me know! I am curious to hear others opinions.

So my ex made me feel like this was all my fault in the end It is like she staged the most vicious
scheme to break up with me and wanted to hurt me the most. She knew that when she got with me I was hurting over an ex. That ex had left me for someone else and had crushed me. She came in like my hero. I even found some writings of mine when I first got with her and I was so excited and thought she was going to save me. Instead she turned out to hurt me worse and in the same way.

It is a pattern for me too you see. One that I am trying to break by educating and figuring out what is going on. I am naive and forgiving and I do not know why. I cannot stay mad at someone no matter what they do. I just think I should forgive them. Since I have came out of this relationship I have chosen to cut ties with a couple of people in my life and also checked a couple of friends on their negative or poor behavior. I am tolerating less and less and it feels damn good.

It is like everything that I wished she would do during the relationship she is doing with her new girlfriend and making sure I hear about it. She uses Facebook as a way to commuicate her life changes that will hurt me but I have her blocked now and the new wife blocked. Yep they are married and it happened quickly and the new girl was in fact cheating on her before they married and she didn't care. In front of me, she told her new lover, you are all I ever wanted and now I finally have you. During this it is almost like you are waiting for Ashton to jump out and yell PUNKED but at the same time you are like this is real......this is my life? It changed so fast that it took me days, months even to realize this really was my life.

See there were some signs but nothing out of the ordinary. Meaning...our relationship wasn't the best but it didn't seem it was on the verge of being over. So a week before she actually left we had a fight and I told her I was going to look for places and I did. She said oh stop you aren't going anywhere. She knew though that I was so I do not know what that was all about. My point is that she knew we were going to end and still acted like it was fine. Why? Shock factor. She knew if I did not know it was coming it would hit me harder.

Weaknesses... she knew them....well. She knew that she could replay out a scene that crushed me once with my first love. She played it out again so that I could relive it. This time much worse though...well played. She was good. I will give her that. She fooled me and I am smart cookie. I am more book smart and she knew that too.

Now this is going to get personal but I need to know. Do you think it is possible for someone to want to get their "victim" hooked on drugs of some sort so that their minds are weaker for manipulation? I asked this because my ex was telling me about her best friend at the time (also the girl she ended up leaving me for). She said her best friend would get her girlfriends hooked on painkillers (the best friend was too) so that she could control them. The point in this is, I am now addicted to painkillers. I NEVER blamed her and I still don't that is choice that I made but she did know about it and was there throughout it and for sure enabled it. Would she have wanted this to happen though? I mean she is a sociopath right? I am still addicted. In fact, after we broke up it got worse. That is how I dealt with the pain and I am left with that and I feel that is the last thing she has over me. The last control she has and I just cannot for the life of me kick this habit. I guess I know the answer to my question of is it possible for a human to be capable of this evil act but I am still in denial. It is SO hard for me to believe that a person can really be that evil and when I start to wonder if I am a sociopath because I am obsessed with this I have to stop and remember there is no way in hell I am. I cannot even grasp how people can really do these things. I just do not have the energy or care to take the time to manipulate and harm people in that way. I am in no way a model citizen OBVIOUSLY but man I would never wish harm on anybody else especially my loved ones!

I know I need help with the addiction ok, that is not what I want answered here. I want to hear stories of yours that I can relate to. All of these forums that I keep reading say that this is the best way because people that haven't been through this don't understand and that is what I am finding. They think it is easy, they do not know the real pain. I want to know if anybody else had developed an addiction while with a sociopath to cope. or deflect or whatever reason I did it. Is it some sort of a phenomenon or a one off? I know I need therapy so again I do not want lectured. I am a human being who is capable of love. Who grew up in a small town and is a bit naive. Who has grown up and moved on to a city and dealt with all kinds of people. I just want to know that there is somebody out there that can relate to this. Maybe that I am helping and who in return can help me. You see this world is only beautiful when we find love and give love. We have to be capable of love and find people that are as well. Sociopaths think they have the advantage but they miss out. Even the pain we go through at least it is real. At least we feel emotions and when we do find that love that we all dream of nobody can touch that or take it away and the sociopath will be forever jealous for it is something that they can never achieve their entire life.

It's what they do!

. My ex had me thinking I was doing things on my own and now aware that she was secretly persuading things or guiding them in that direction. 

“Another way in which psychopaths condition their partners to accept a toxic relationship is by gradually pushing the envelope of deviant requests. Since psychopaths are easily bored and need constant thrills, they may initially ask their targets to make out in public, under the pretense that they’re so attracted to them that they can’t keep his hands off of them. In reality, however, psychopaths are not as attracted to their partners, even at the beginning of the relationship, as to the thrill of crossing the boundaries of public decency and demeaning their partners. Recall from my previous post that psychopaths are extreme narcissists who derive most pleasure from the dominance and victimization of others.

As soon as the victim complies with one perverse request, it becomes normative. After a short while, the psychopath will demand more indecent behavior from her, once again pretending that it stems from their great and special passion. Pretty soon, the victim finds herself complicit with his abnormal behavior, sometimes even addicted to it.Not surprisingly, this technique is often used by pimps to create loyalty and submission in the women and girls they ensnare into prostitution. What begins under the guise of romantic love and passion–something that most women yearn for–ends up being what it always was in reality and in the psychopath’s evil design: a form of sexual slavery.”

I got that from http://www.abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-psychopath-conditions-his-victims.html

I have seen this personally, actually with my ex’s sociopath gf. This was her partner in crime and bf with benefits for 15 years. While I was with my gf and her bff was around with her gf I would witness this. I watched her go through 3 of them. I also watched as a new gf went to the bathroom when we were all out she made out with her old gf and hell now that I know the truth I am sure she made out with mine as well! She was so crazy with PDA that I couldn't understand it. I thought at first that it was the woman and that they were just very in love but no she is like that with everyone. Which is why it didn't hurt quite so bad when I saw this with my her and my ex girlfriend. I knew that it wasn't something special just another notch in the belt. I dangerously and I wouldn't advise this did say to her in the end I know you are a sociopath and she said I am. I think she thought I wouldn’t believe me but all I said was, yes I know. I said well you know (my ex her gf ) is too and she said well she has met her match then. So sometimes I imagine they are happy but in reality there is no way. They may be their version of happy and that is nothing I want to partake in. My ex used to look at me and say, "You are so miserable." She would say when we had sex that she was doing her "wifely duty" I do not know why I allowed this but I think it is because A.) I didn't really think that I was living with a sociopath. She was that good. B.) She didn't physically abuse me. C.) She was so subtle and good at lying! I would still not know if she was or not. I mean I believed that she loved me. Although I do remember especially at the end thinking there is no emotional connection between us. There is something "missing." I do not know how to explain it other than something was off and I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew it. I did know the whole time that she just wasn't as compassionate or good-natured as I was. I feel like she projected a lot of that onto me and I am still trying to get rid of it.I have mentioned before on my other posts that at the end when we broke up I was so hurt and crying but I felt like at least I am human and I can feel emotions.

What is weird is that my ex claims she didn't cheat on me until after a couple of years so it took her awhile to get bored of me I assume that means. I never caught her cheating and I trusted her. She was good to me for a LONG time. Well good in monetary and taking care of me ways. Good in I didn't know she was planning my demise kind of ways.When I talked to her new gf she said that (she was her best friend or so I thought) when she came to stay with us for the weekend sometimes they would mess around. Also whenever my ex would go home for Christmas and they would have sex. My thing is that is disgusting and who else did she mess around with or cheat on me with? I mean hell she could have had other girlfriends for all I know.

I do know she caught me off guard, she destroyed a lot of who I am, and I am still not on my feet after over a year. It was like some sort of phenomenon, she was so good at manipulating me and giving me just what I needed until she literally hooked me and knew she could do or say whatever it is she wanted. I knew something was off, although I could not explain it and still can’t and now I know what it is obviously just a little too late. I cannot for the life of me understand how she did this all so subtly I didn't know or maybe I was just not aware. This is the kind of stuff I wish I was taught and just like you are taught to not take candy from strangers I needed to know this.

We all have heard of the “sociopath test” right? It is not real and they say an old American psychologist used it. Well if not here it is:

“While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know.

She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there and then... A few days later, the girl killed her own sister.”

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

*Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. This is not real by any means but it does show how someone thinks. I received this via a forward through work email one day and came home to ask my gf this. She answered it spot on. Nobody else thought remotely close to this. I said you heard this before right? She said no why it’s a riddle and I got it I am smart. I said well it is a sociopath test. She got so defensive and changed the subject. Said she just out smarted it.

It is like I constantly research in my spare time. I think to myself how long I am going to read all of this stuff on the internet and constantly want to know more about his. It is like a thirst for knowledge I cannot quench. I want all of my questions answered and I want them answered now! I am not going to stop writing and reading and sharing the knowledge I have found through myself and others until I am fulfilled. I do not know but I know why but I know this is what I am supposed to do. I want to help someone who feels like I do. I want one person to feel a HUMAN cares even though I may not know you. We are brothers and sisters who have been wounded the same way and nobody understands. So we isolate ourselves and do not trust the world. I am there, so I know, but that being said anybody reading this know that there are more good than bad. My issue is I only see the good in people. I thought she cared but in the end she was sleeping and eating just fine as I was falling apart. She didn't care just out of her sight. I thought how can she sleep? She said I got over you years ago. Well then why in the F$#% didn’t you leave me then!

I’ll never forget the look in her eye when we first met, like she wanted to eat me for dinner and then the look when she was done with me. Two very different looks, two very different people and I didn't know either one of them and that my friend is a sociopath. 

Confirmations

She Wanted it to just be over,done like it never happened, and it kind of feels like it never did. I mean 5 years of my life were spent with her. If you are reading this you are searching for a confirmation and most people will tell you there is no answer but that is not true. You can find confirmation. Everything they do is calculated so there is a why or a reason to everything. I don’t know about you but scenarios will pop into my head and I will immediately flashback to that specific place my mind takes me to. I will think this is why, she was a sociopath. That is your answer, your confirmation. Why? Because they are disordered. We cannot begin to understand that. I wouldn’t waste my time on someone, only to manipulate and hurt them. It is a waste of time.

For example, she MADE me buy her a ring. A normal relationship one person waits and the other proposes and it happens naturally. That didn’t happen here. That is confirmation.

I cannot explain how hurt I am. I cannot explain what happened. What I do know is she is a sociopath and she messed me up. I cannot get over every little sign and thing she did that should have been a huge red flag. I cannot for the life of me realize why I stayed. The next stage….why did I stay? Is there something wrong with me or was it all her? What about me attracted her? If these posts help one person I am that much closer to happiness. I cannot thank all of the people who have written about this enough. It has helped me tremendously.

Description of the discard phase

Everyone's story is the same. You see they are all programmed identically.  I was watching a show I love and no longer could I like a character because he is a narcissist. I see them everywhere now. It is like I knew these terms but I didn't apply them to everyday life because I didn't think it was that common. Now I am aware. You cannot help but think and look at naïve people and be jealous. You wish that you could be like them again. Before you saw the dark side.

 

I also cannot help but think this did happen for a reason. I had great parents. I never understood nor felt a pain like this. I just now every story, every actions, every word that she told me I think was that a lie? Did this happen so I can understand pain and learn how to deal with it? All of these websites give generic definitions of a sociopath. I want to explain just what mine did....here is goes..

 

I was with Kayla for 5 years. Red flags were everywhere. Some were bigger than others. I ignored them. Like she would tell me about things that happened to her as a child and I assumed she turned out normal. Maybe she did downplay it a bit because her family and her tried to reconcile. So on with what happened for 5 years I wasn’t happy. I would say miserable. She would nag about everything. I would clean everything I could so she couldn’t complain about anything. She would still find something.

So there were a few things I didn’t do as well, such as put a bill in my name. I mean I provided her money but no I didn’t put a bill in my name. I  feel like now I was protecting myself. When she broke up with me that was a reason she gave and I thought ok. I understand that.

She texted me at work after she had went to her hometown in Chicago. She said we need to talk. I'm like what's up? She dumped me through texts after 5 years. I came home from work and we argued and finally I thought ok she is just over this and me and this is for the best.

I started to talk to friends and they were like those are not reasons to break up. I thought that too but to hear it from them solidified it. So next it gets good. I knew her email password and was just watching her email. I saw a receipt for a strap on dildo that she predelivered to her friend of 15 years who had stayed with us before and I thought they were JUST FRIENDS. I confronted her and she smiled. I LIVED with her. After that she said that her and this girl were together and she needed me out ASAP so this girl could move into HER house. After she said that I bounced. My friend told me to move in with her until I could get a place and that other girl was moved in within 2 weeks.

How could someone that I was with for 5 years turn out to be this way? All of a sudden she went to her hometown, cheated on me, and then came back and said that she couldn’t be with me for a number of reasons. These reasons were petty. She said I didn’t contribute. She said I didn’t help enough but then left me for someone who was on unemployment and had no license or car. She said she is in love with this person. She said she still has feelings for her and she is like a drug and cannot get enough. This girl beat her up. She abused her verbally and physically and she stays.

She kept trying to put the blame on me but what happened was she wanted to be with someone else. She snuck around behind my back. She said she went to a friend’s house but went to see this ho. I always knew something was between them. I could tell. I'm just so hurt and pissed . How could she DO THAT TO ME THE WAY SHE DID IT. SHE CHEATED LIED AND WANTED ME OUT ASAP!

This took a VERY twisted turn. So Kayla wouldn’t leave me alone and she kept contacting me and telling me that she wanted to be with me and for me to not sign my lease. This went on for 4 months. That she regretted things. I told her to stop. She wouldn’t so I forwarded all texts to Tamera. Tamera wanted to meet up and so I did and we realized she got us the SAME Tiffany’s bracelet and I found out Kayla had a girl living in the house before I moved in( still with her while dating me) and the girl had two kids) I found this out by the neighbor kids saying they missed the daughter. Kayla told me that was her roommate who wouldn’t leave. I then knew that her ex had a kid by that name so put two and two together. I should have left at that point. I found out Tamera and her had sex WHILE I was asleep in the house. Also when Kayla would go home for Christmas they would have sex. Well I found out all of this when we talked. We decided to open a bottle of champagne and got drunk. We then went out and had a blast. We ended up having sex. Yes Tamera and I. Then next day she “claimed to have felt something. She wanted to start something. I didn’t text her for 3 days but sure did think of her. I felt something too. Something intense…..she ended up texting hi and trying to hang. I hung out with her for 3 or 4 days. Just for a couple of hours. I have STRONG feelings for her but with the current situation there is nothing we can do PLUS. I don’t know if she is still getting back at Kayla because part of the texts I let Tamera see said that Kayla was in living hell and wanted me back. She wanted me home. She came over and we had sex. I told Tamera all of that. So now I question if Terra was trying to get back at Kayla still by hanging out with me. Tamera claims to not cheat. She completely was trying to FOOL me and TRICK me when I am in a vulnerable stage. I fell for it.  I fell for her bs. I also think that I have never done something so bogus to someone in my life. Two wrongs don’t make a right. It makes us both wrong and yes this would have never happened had things worked out differently. When I told her I cant play the mistress role she basically said well then this cant go on anymore. How could I ever trust her anyways.  It would be a complete waste and she would suck me dry. She yet another sociopath.

I have been talking to God and although he doesn’t talk back. I know he is there. I have never had so much faith in my life. I never knew or understood why people turn to God. Its’ because we are so far beyond control here on Earth that we NEED a higher power.  We are his children and he watches us. He works in mysterious ways and you never really know what the point was until you get through the bad but you have to keep hope that there WILL be something better out there.

We can be tired, weary and emotionally distraught, but after spending time alone with God, we find that He injects into our bodies energy, power and strength.-Charles Stanley

Things change and you have to learn to let go…….Things can change in the blink of an eye and although we don’t understand it we have to accept it for what it is. The only thing I can do is move on.

7/31/2013- I was told that it was over because I didn’t leave the bathroom door cracked and mold was beginning to grow on the ceiling. Little things like that.

8/2/2013-I was given a letter giving me 30 days to vacate her house

8/3/2013-I found an email of a receipt of a sex toy to her best friend stating she loved her and would see her that weekend.

Every day until I moved out which was on 8/16 I was harassed about leaving. I was told that she wanted me out So her new girlfriend could move into HER house. At the end of the relationship she was obsessed with guns. I started to take an interest in them. We took a class together and she helped me pay for my first gun. One of the texts I received told me that when she was through with me I would want to kill myself. This leads me to believe she really did want me to.

8/16/2013- I moved out of the house.

8/29/2013-The “best friend” moved into the house.

9/28/2013-She contacted me and wanted me to move back into “our house”. She didn’t want me to sign a lease to a new place.

11/7/2013-She wouldn’t leave me alone so I told the new girlfriend.

11/8/2013- The new girlfriend and I started an affair.

1/31/2014-My ex caught us hanging out and questioned me. I lied to her and I tried to end it with Tamara. I regret this more than anything (ever doing it) but I did do it. I was in a horrible state of mind and it was nothing more than revenge and I stooped to her level. I know this but we are all human.

2/8/14-I told Kayla about Tamera and I-She reacted odd. This is really when I started realizing she was a sociopath. She was mad but mad because she lost control, not mad because of what happened.

2/19- I receive an email with their marriage license.

3/9/2014-They were married.

They have made a few comments here and there but other than that I have heard nothing from them. It still drives me insane because all of those questions unanswered but I can say one thing. It truly is like their mask comes off. I looked into her eyes and saw nothing, saw someone I did not know. I just kept asking her, “Who are you?” That is all I could say. There was no remorse and no sympathy. Not one second did she break down and give me a hug or tell me she loved me. She said, “I used to loved you.” It was all of these bizarre behaviors that led me to researching and then to finding all this information. The best thing is to research and find answers that way.