My first love...

 

I remember it like it was yesterday, I was  15 years old a sophomore in high school. A few friends of mine including me had a crush on this guy named Bobbie. Bobbie was older and somewhat unattainable but somehow I managed to land a kiss. This didn’t go over with my best friend Mattie. So I played for the high school basketball team with Mattie and we always rode on the bus together especially for long trips. She wouldn’t sit by me the whole way to the game. She didn’t talk to me the whole game. Somehow I did manage to score my highest score that I ever had at 32 points. I think that night was the night the magic happened and the score was just a clue to what I had in store for me.

So on the way home from the game a Senior named Martha decided to sit with me since I was sitting there all alone. She said, “Congratulations Kellie! Good game!”.  “Thanks!”, I said uncomfortably. She continued to sit, “So where is Mattie?” Why isn’t she sitting with you?” said Martha. I explained, “Well I kissed a boy that she liked.” “Hmm what boy?” she replied. “Bobbie” I said unenthusiastically. Mattie laughed and said  “Everyone has a crush on him it seems.” She sat with me the whole way home and I felt super cool that a senior was sitting with me. I just knew that Mattie was going to be super mad now and I didn’t even care! When we got back to our school Martha gave me her number and said we would have to hang out some time. She told me to call her tonight though. I thought wow a senior wanted to hang out with me!

I got home and waited about  20 mins or so until I called Martha. ““Hey Martha, what’s up?” “Oh not to much getting ready to leave and go hang out with some people.” She replied. Now I was only 15 and not about to go to bed and she was just getting ready to go hang out with some friends? After the game? How cool! We talked for about 30 mins. She said she would hook me up with Bobbie and not to worry about that.

The next day at school Martha kept  saying what is up and writing me notes. Saying see ya at practice tonight. We continued to hang out with each other at practice, at games, and sometimes we would go play ball on the weekends or even go watch another team play. She could drive so she took me with her like her little road dog. This went on for a few months. We continued to talk about Bobbie and I saw Bobbie a few times but nothing really happened.

 Martha begin to stay at my house. I started to learn that her family life wasn’t the best. Her dad was an alcoholic. Although he wasn’t physically abusive he was verbally abusive and that can be just as bad. So she loved it at my house. I was an only child with a mom and dad that were still married.

Martha had a lot of older friends.  She could get alcohol and pot. I smoked occasionally and drank quite a bit. So she would stay over and we would go drink in my basement or go to one of her friends and smoke. One night I was sleeping on my couch and Martha on the chair. We hadn’t been doing any drugs or drinking but I awoke from my sleep with her on top of me licking my neck. I had crazy thoughts but said nothing and didn’t move her. I thought omg this is “gay”. What is she doing? Does she really like me? She did it for awhile and then would lay back down and in the morning it was as if nothing had happened. It started happening more and more often. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know if I liked it or not. But I knew she was my friend and I really liked having her around so I didn’t want to say anything to her. Our notes that we traded at school got more and more in depth with each day. We were becoming deep friends. We were learning everything about one and another. We were best friends. Me and Mattie rarely hung out anymore. On our notebook that we traded at school we had cut out pictures of our crushes but for some reason on the inside it said nothing about them. We would get excused from class just to meet and the bathroom to kiss. We still were not talking about this but the affections were continuing to grow.

One day at my house my parents were there. We were kissing and all of a sudden. “Knock knock.” On the door. Oh no! It was my dad and he just saw everything. “Oh hey dad.”  Kelsey what is going on in there?” He yelled. I acted like he didn’t see anything and me and Martha left. When we were in the car Martha said “ What is going on here?” I said, “I don’t know”.  She continued, “I do like you and I would want to be your girlfriend.” I replied, “Can we do that?”. She said, “Of course.”  “ I will think about it and let you know soon.” I said. She said “ok see ya tomorrow.”, as  I dropped her off. I went home and into my room  in the basement far away from civilization. Well as far as I could get and I thought if I do this it will change my entire life. I thought of what my grandma told me. Follow your heart and you will never go wrong. So I did. I told Martha I wanted to be with her but I was only going to give it a trial period of 2 weeks. She agreed. After the two weeks was up, I was in love.  I didn’t think it was right but if it wasn’t then why did it feel like it was?

I loved everything about her, I loved her hair, her laugh, her love. She was so sweet to me. I cant describe the feeling I had. It was like I was on top of the world floating. Nobody could touch me. She loved me too. I could tell. After my dad caught us kissing she wasn’t allowed to sleep over anymore and we really felt uncomfortable at my house anyways. So we decided to hang out at her house.

                Her step dad was an alcoholic so I was intimidated especially me being shy. So I would ask her to come to the door and wait for me. She would and then she would get me and we would go into her room for hours and hours. What did we do you ask? Well not to much at first. We were just hanging out and enjoying each other.  “Kellie, can I kiss you. It was def like crossing a barrier, a barrier that I knew would change my life. 

We dated for 4 years, 4 VERY crazy years! I gave her all of me. I didn’t hold anything back. She knew me like the back of her hand. Unfortunately I didn’t get the same in return. Have you ever loved someone so much but more than they love you? It is the worst feeling I think in the world.  I told her you now have my heart in your hand so please be gentle. I was young and very dumb. I didn’t know what these feelings were or how to control them. I lost my cool so many times that it was a blind rage.

Then there came my junior prom. I didn’t want to go cause I didn’t want to go with a boy when I have her but didn’t want to show with her cause what would people say. So I didn’t go. The next day I came outside and I had rose petals sprinkled all over my car with a note but it had rained so I couldn’t read it. I drive to her house and her car is home. I went on inside and music was playing. She said, ‘this is your prom….and we danced and made love. That was the best prom anyone could have asked for.

To start with she was emotionally abusive. She would talk down to me all the time so when I was down I was really down but when things were good they were really good. She was my drug and without her I hurt. I had to have her at all times. My eye lit up when I was with her. Well things were good for a couple of years until she began to go to college. She wanted to go out, I was too young to understand how that was and also not the most social person in the world. So I didn’t want her to go out, afraid that she would find someone else.  Well she found multiple something's. There was an Andre, a couple Niki and the main two that stand out were the Sherrys. There were two of them. The first one passed quickly and me and her broke up and got back together but the second one stuck.

I can recall she would tell me that they were friends and I had no idea that they were much more until I came home from college one night and there she was with her. I never saw her side though I guess I did leave her and go to college and while I expected her to just sit there and wait for me. I told her I would make things good though I just needed my degree and things will be good. Well one night I was home and we were laying down sleeping and I heard a knock at the window and it was Sherry. As she spoke to her I held on arm in the window and she had the other one. I said you know what if you want to go then go. I let go and she left. She left me in her house in her room and she got in the car and left.

This happened one other time but when she left this time I called the cops. See she would act like she didn’t want to go with me but really she did. I have never felt so deceived or betrayed. I couldn’t grasp that someone would treat me this way and continued to love her . You cant help who you fall in love with regardless of what you gay bashers say. Nobody would choose this life. Well when I called the cops I told them she was kidnapped so they had a road block set up to where she was going. When they pulled her over she said that she was fine. What a dope I was made to look like.

 

Her and her girlfriend ended up getting raided one night. It was the DEA and I guess they had been running a huge heroin ring from this little town to Chicago and they got raided. She later told me that night they raided it she was so scared and laying on the ground snorting up the heroin. She was in jail a few months but when she got released she called me. She wanted to see me. I thought to myself well she was only with that girl for the drugs and now I have my baby back!! Of course I went to see her. I was right there with her but when the girlfriend would call from jail she would still tell her she wanted to be with her and didn’t want me. In front of me she would do this. The night before Sherry got out of jail I was with Michelle at a friends house drinking. Her and I got into a fight and we were driving with a beer bottle in between my legs. She took her beer and slammed it on top of mine and the glass busted and blood was everywhere.  My hand was awful. She apologized and the cops even came and they said all you have to do is say the word and we will take her. I couldn’t do it.  So we stayed together that night and the next day she was gone and back with Sherry About another month passed and I happened to see Michelle at a nasty hotel by this time Sherry had went back to jail and Michelle was by herself. I pulled a  superman and ripped her out of the hotel and brought her to her home. At that point I wasn’t allowing the person that I love more than anything to go down shit tubes. I put my life on hold and I saved hers. She went to the hospital and was taken care of and we talked to her sister who lived in Florida and we shipped her there . That is where she remains and she is healthy and happy. I don’t really think she knows what I did for her or care. I cant make her see or make her realize how much of me I still cant get back because she has it.

So once she got to Florida she kind of turned her heroin addiction into an alcohol addiction. We continued to talk on the phone and be together. I flew her home for my graduation from college. We were so in love. I remember my heart would literally stop until I saw her again. It would still skip beats even when I was with her. She was my drug. I know people say that sometimes but I don’t know that everyone can truly understand that. She was something that I needed in my life or I couldn’t feel normal or whole. Anyone that has been addicted to anything can know that feeling. I was just addicted to her. We hung out for a week and back to Florida she went. So where did that leave me. Well I had a big decision to make.

One day I went gambling with my dad, uncle, and grandpa. I was debating even going to the boat but I was hitting all my pool balls in while I was playing so decided I was lucky. I went to the boat and won over 3000 bucks! I thought here is my chance. So I bought a plane ticket and went to Florida for 3 weeks. I spent time with her and we had a blast. I did find pictures in her phone from other girls she met in fl. She just got there and already girls in the phone. Our relationship was toxic. We would drink and party and have fun but at one point we got into a drunken fight by her sisters pool. She threw a drink at my face so I broke a glass on the ground by her foot. We would punch each other and were physically abusive. I didn’t know what to believe any more or who to believe, she had lied too many times and now I was at a place in my life of where do I go and what do I do. One night we had a heart to heart and I realized her drug addiction was worse than I thought. She used needles and did drugs all day everyday. This was also something that I thought at the time…I can do better than this. I was young and needed to be young and not take care of someone that was older than me. I needed to be taken care of now. I decided to leave and go back to my parents and think about moving there with her.

I was so sad to leave that last day. I didn’t want to go…wanted to miss my flight. Being separated from her was the worst feeling in the world. We arrived at the airport and I said good bye, I love you.. and continued towards the security check point. I thought she would be long gone and when I turned around she was still there staring at me. She looked like she was losing her best friend. And I felt the same way. I left and went back to IL. WE didn’t break up we still talked and the plan was she was going to come home and live me and my parents because I couldn’t leave them. I bought a plane ticket for her to come home. The day of the ticket I called her house because I hadn’t heard from her. She answered and she should have been on the plane. She said she didn’t want to come home and she liked it there. We broke up.